What not to do if he's cheating on you

Don't confront the other woman.  Photo:  Robert Simon

He’s cheating on you. You’ve got proof. Regardless of how you found out about his affair, his infidelity has rocked your world.

Now what should you do?

When an affair is first discovered, the biggest most mistake women make is to act out of panic and do something they later regret.

Doing the wrong thing at the outset could complicate matters and make a bad situation worse.

You'll want to avoid doing anything that could sabotage yourself, your marriage or relationship, and whatever course of action you later plan to take.  So let’s look at what you shouldn’t do.

•      Don’t make any hasty decisions. Your first instinct may be to leave him or to put him out. Hold off for now. Calm down first and think things through. Request the free tip sheet  5 Things You Shouldn’t Do If He’s Cheating on You.

•      Don’t give up on your marriage or relationship prematurely, if you still love him. With the help of a qualified marriage or couples counselor, you may be able to save your relationship or avoid an unnecessary divorce. See the article entitled Why Women Stay with Men Who Cheat

•     Don’t issue any ultimatums. (It’s her or me.) You could drive him away for good – especially if the two of you aren’t married.

•      Do not follow him around trying to catch him in the act. If you already know for sure that he’s cheating on you, catching him “with his pants down” is humiliating and unnecessarily painful to you, and serves no useful purpose.

•      Don’t call, harass, or confront the other woman. It’s not her fault. He made the decision to cheat. She didn’t hold a gun to his head. See the articles entitled Will He Leave You for Her? and What You Need to Know about Your Husband’s Mistress And Why

•      Don’t retaliate by having an affair of your own. You can’t “pay him back”. So don’t commit the same crime. Two wrongs don’t make a right. See the article entitled 3 Types of Revenge Cheating or Retaliatory Affairs.

•      Don’t blame yourself. Therapists say that self-blame is a universal female reaction to male infidelity. Yet most of the time when a husband or boyfriend cheats, it’s totally unrelated to anything his wife or girlfriend did or didn’t do See the articles entitled Top 10 Reasons Why Men and Women Cheat and Happy Husbands Cheat , Too

•      Don’t turn yourself into a doormat trying to please him. You can’t win him back by becoming his slave.

•      Don’t crowd him or smother him. Give him some emotional distance for now.

•      Don’t turn to drugs of alcohol to help you get thorough this crisis.

•      Don’t involve friends or relatives. This is between you and your spouse/ significant other. See the article entitled Be Careful Who You Tell That He’s Cheating on You.

•      Don’t let him manipulate or try to control you, by using his affair, or the threat of future affairs. Request the free tip sheet entitled How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand.

•      Don’t wallow in self-pity or keep dwelling on the negative aspects of the situation. Proceed with a positive plan. Request the free  Go or Stay Tip sheet and see the articles entitled What Ordinary Women Do When Their Husbands Cheat and Jenny Sanford Shows Betrayed Wives How to Take a Firm Stand.

Whether you stay with a cheating husband or boyfriend, or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, will leave your options open for whatever course of action you decide to take, and keep you from making a bad situation worse.

*** © copyright 2009 Ruth Houston

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. She is the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and publishes the  Infidelity News and Views. blog.

For more information on what to do when you find out he's cheating on you, see: 

5 Things You Shouldn’t Do If He’s Cheating on You  (free tip sheet)

Why Women Stay with Men Who Cheat

Will He Leave You for Her?

What You Need to Know about Your Husband’s Mistress And Why

3 Types of Revenge Cheating or Retaliatory Affairs

How Betrayed Wives and Other Infidelity Victims Get Revenge on their Cheating Mates

More Women Are Resorting to Violent Acts of Revenge

Top 10 Reasons Why men and Women Cheat

Happy Husbands Cheat Too

Be Careful Who You Tell That He's Cheating on You

How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand    (free tip sheet)

Go or Stay ? How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance    (free tip sheet)

What Ordinary Women Do When Their Husbands Cheat

Jenny Sanford Shows Betrayed Wives How to Take a Firm Stand