Should you take a cheater back? - How to decide - part 1 - National infidelity

Are you wondering if you should take your cheating husband or
cheating boyfriend back? This will help you decide.
Photo: istockphoto.com / Jose Girate

Celebrity wives like Sandra Bullock and Elin Nordegren aren’t the only women wondering whether or not to take a cheating husband back.

Everyday, thousands of ordinary women struggle with the question of whether or not they should give a cheating spouse or significant other a second chance. See What Ordinary Women Do When Their Husbands Cheat.

Based on the thousands of infidelity victims that I’ve personally interviewed over the past 16 years, as well as my own personal experience with infidelity, I can tell you that it’s not an easy decision to make.

The Answer May Vary with Each Situation

Is it ever advisable to take a cheater back? Sometimes, it is. Sometimes it’s the worst possible thing to do. Since each marriage or relationship is different, as are the people involved, each woman must decide for herself. See Why Women Stay with Men Who Cheat.

The right answer for you will depend on several things. There are a number of factors you should consider before a final decision is made. It’s a decision that requires a great deal of careful thought.

3 Questions to Help You Decide

Regardless of whether you’re a male or female victim of infidelity, the 3 questions below will help you make an intelligent decision as to whether you should take the cheater back:

1. Is the cheater really sorry?

Is the cheater genuinely sorry for having hurt you, and for having betrayed your trust? If you’ve been with this person long enough, you should be able to tell whether or not the cheater is sincere when he or she tells you they are sorry for what they have done - or whether the cheater is merely sorry he or she got caught. There’s a big difference. The cheater should be truly filled with remorse for his or her behavior.

2. Has the cheater severed all ties with the person he or she cheated with?

Has the cheater made a clean break with his or her affair partner? It goes without saying, that the cheater should no longer be seeing the Other Woman or the Other Man. But there should be no communication of any type between the cheater and the person he or she cheated with.

That means no phone calls, e-mails, text messages, snail mail, smoke signals, carrier pigeons, messages by 3rd parties or any other means of direct or indirect communication . The only exception is when the cheater and the affair partner work together and are required to communicate with each other on the job. If this is the case, all communication between the two should be business only, not personal.

If the cheater is still trying to “stay in touch” with, or maintain a platonic relationship with the Other Woman or Other Man, it may be just a matter of time before the affair picks up where it left off.

3. Is the cheater willing to do the hard work necessary to repair the relationship and rebuild the broken trust?

Taking the cheater back is not the end of the road. It takes a lot of hard work to rebuild a marriage or relationship in the aftermath of an affair. The most difficult part is reestablishing the broken trust. Sometimes it may require professional help. From this point on, the cheater’s life must become an open book. There should be no secrets of any kind. The cheater must also be fully accountable to you, the betrayed mate, for as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable trusting them again.

That may mean not going anywhere without you, unless you know where they are at all times, checking in periodically, and being open and up front about everything they say or do. It won’t be easy, but if the cheater is serious about wanting to repair the marriage or relationship, he or she will readily comply.

No One-Size-Fits-All Solution

There is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to dealing with infidelity. No two situations are exactly the same.

Each woman has to decide for herself, what’s in her (and her children’s) best interests to do. See What Are the Major Obstacles to Taking a Cheater Back?

Before you make your final decision, take a look at the Go or Stay tip sheet to make sure you’ve considered all the factors involved, and that your final decision is the best course of action to take. This free tip sheet will walk you through the difficult process of deciding if you should take the cheater back.

To request your free, personal copy of Go or Stay – How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance, e-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Go or Stay – Xm in the subject line.

When to Give the Cheater a Second Chance

There is never a valid excuse for a spouse or significant other to cheat on his or her mate. But sometimes, infidelity committed under certain circumstances may warrant special consideration. There are other factors you will want to consider, as well. For a discussion of several circumstances which may warrant giving the cheater a second chance, see Part 2 of this article entitled, When to Give a Cheater a Second Chance.
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*** © copyright 2010 Ruth Houston All Rights Reserved.

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on high profile infidelity and popular infidelity issues in the news. She is the founder of www.InfidelityAdvice.com , the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, and publishes the Infidelity News and Views blog. To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, or have her speak at your next event, call 718 592-6029 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com

For more information on this topic, see:

When to Give a Cheater a Second Chance - part 2

Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat

Go or Stay? – How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance (free tip sheet)

What Are the Major Obstacles to Taking a Cheater Back?

What Ordinary Women Do When Their Husbands Cheat

How Wives With Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand (free tip sheet)

What NOT to Do If He’s Cheating on You

5 Things You SHOULDN’T Do If He’s Cheating on You (free tip sheet)

Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (e-book version with Affair Recovery information)

Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (WITHOUT Affair Recovery information)

The Best Investment You Can Make in Your Relationship for 2010