Infidelity 101: What should I do if I think he or she is cheating on me?

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As an infidelity expert, one of the most common questions I get is

“I think he ( or she ) is cheating on me. What should I do?"

If you suspect infidelity in your marriage or relationship, don’t panic.

Follow the steps below.

1. Get a journal and write down everything that makes you suspect your spouse of cheating, no matter how trivial it seems. You need to see this on paper to determine whether or not you have valid cause for concern.

Don’t discount gut feelings. My research over the years indicates that what most people consider to be, intuition, a hunch or a gut feeling is actually their subconscious mind picking up subtle signs of infidelity. There are many infidelity studies bear that out. In one infidelity study, 85% of the women who suspected their mate of cheating turned out to be right. But you need proof before you can confront your mate.

2. Discreetly search for signs of infidelity. At this stage, you don’t need a private investigator or fancy surveillance equipment. All you need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. Knowing what to look for is the key. There are 21 categories of telltale signs, so focus on each of these 21 areas of concern.

Request a free copy of the special report entitled Is Your Spouse Cheating? – 21 Ways to Tell, which describes each of these 21 areas of concern. E-mail InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with “21 ways - Xm” in the subject line. You might also want to invest in a copy of Is He Cheating on You – 829 Telltale Signs, which lists practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs people usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs in the book apply to both cheating women and cheating men.

3. Document the signs you find in a journal over the next couple of weeks. Actually, once you know what to look for, it won’t even take that long. As objectively as possible, carefully review everything you’ve written down in the journal, looking for patterns of behavior, discrepancies in stories, suspicious behavior or occurrences that match certain dates. Upon careful examination, you may find that certain signs of infidelity always appear in conjunction with each other.

For example, you may notice that your husband’s cell phone malfunctions only on the nights he works late. Or that your wife always wears her sexiest lingerie when she goes to visit a sick friend and that when she returns home she heads straight for the shower. What if your partner sometimes walks the for dog 2 hours instead the usual 20 minutes? On closer examination, you may find that this happens only on a Monday night. The movie date on the ticket stubs found in your partner’s pocket or purse may correspond with the date of the Saturday your partner had to go into the office to complete a special project.

Look for patterns. Document everything you find, so that when you sit down to confront your cheating spouse or significant other about the affair, you have solid proof.

4. Confront your cheating spouse. No -- not in a physical or an argumentative way. What you’re going to do is carefully choose a time and place, and calmly inform your mate that you know about the affair. Never confront a cheating spouse or significant other without proof, a plan and a purpose. Instead of asking your mate if he or she is cheating, inform your mate that you know about the affair.

Back up your statement with selected proof from your journal. But don’t tell them everything you know. Then ask the cheater questions that will help you to fill in the blanks, determine their attitude about the affair, and the depth of their feelings for the person they’re cheating with. This is the only way you can accurately assess the situation and make an intelligent decision about what to do next.

5. Consider all your options and decide on a course of action. After you confront your cheating spouse – and it may take several discussions to get all the facts you need, take a few days to carefully consider all your options. What is it in your best interests to do? Can you salvage the marriage or relationship with the help of a marriage or relationship counselor experienced in handling infidelity? Or is it a lost cause? Based on your discussion with your partner, does the cheater deserve a second chance? Or should you cut your losses and move on?

Don’t be afraid to seek legal or financial advice if you need it. If you decide on a legal course of action, you may now want to hire a private investigator to obtain court-admissible proof. Gather as much information as you need, weigh all the facts, then make your final choice.

Unless your spouse is asking for a divorce, don’t feel that you have to take action right away. You may need to delay taking action until you put certain legal or financial safeguards in place. That’s why you don’t want to be the last one to know.

Summary of What to Do If you Suspect Infidelity

•      Discreetly -- and IMMEDIATELY - search for signs of infidelity to either disprove or confirm what you suspect.
•      If it turns out that you were mistaken, no one will be the wiser, and you will at least have set your mind at ease.
•      When you have proof of the infidelity, confront the cheater when you’re ready, at a time and place of your choosing
•      After discussing the affair with the cheater, weighing all the facts, and considering all your options, decide on the best course of action to take.

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. She is the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and blogs at Infidelity News and Views.

For more info:

What Are The Top 10 Signs of Infidelity?

Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell (free tip sheet)

How Do You Catch a Cheating Husband?

13 Things Everyone Should Know About Signs of Infidelity

Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs

5 Practical Reasons to Search for Signs of Infidelity if You Suspect an Affair

7 More Compelling Reasons to Search for Signs of Infidelity

10 Contradictory Signs of Infidelity

Go or Stay? – How to Decide Whether to Give a Cheater a Second Chance (free tip sheet)

Free Infidelity Tip Sheets and Special Reports