Reading between the lines...communicating without bickering

One of my favorite websites is The Nest, www.thenest.com, because it helps me focus on what newly married couples find interesting and informative. It also tunes me into the “complaint department” of in-law issues.

I recently found an article that addressed how a daughter-in-law (DIL) could respond to a mother-in-law (MIL) if the DIL feels like her buttons are being pushed. Nestperts Tina B. Tessina, PhD, author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, and women's lifestyle expert Harriette Cole provided six helpful scripts:

MIL: "Oh, you're looking so...healthy"
DIL: "Thank you! I feel great." If she keeps saying it, you can take her aside and say something like, "I'm sure you don't mean to hurt my feelings, but I feel a little self-conscious now." This should end the discussion.

MIL: "Hmm...that's not the way we make chicken."
DIL: "I'd love for you to try mine this time, if you don't mind." If you'd love one less thing to do and would rather end her critique than argue, say, "Would you like to make it this time? I could use some help."

MIL: "That's his favorite. Trust me, I've known him a long time."
DIL: "You're probably right. He has all kinds of secrets I haven't learned yet." This shows her that you're not trying to take over (even if you are). It should also end her bragging, since you've kindly reminded her that you're not competing.

MIL: "Is that how you're wearing your hair now?"
DIL: "Yes, [insert name of spouse] loves it." Say it nicely and your assertiveness might nip her rude comment in the bud -- you won't sound rude either.

MIL: "You buy each other really extravagant gifts."
DIL: "We love each other. This is one of the ways we show it." Smile with confidence.

MIL: "Don't treat/talk to my son/daughter that way."
DIL: If she's seen you in an argument, say, "I don't like fighting either, and I'm especially sorry that you had to see it." This ends the discussion and holds your spouse just as accountable for the spat as you are. Or say in a genuine manner, "What am I doing that's upsetting you?" And listen to her answer. If you discover that a behavior pushes her buttons, don't do it -- it'll spare you grief.

I believe that there are times when two people, and I mean any two people, beat around the bush or converse in a “read between the lines” manner. Even though these tips were written for a daughter-in-law, there is no reason to think that some of these scenarios could be playing out in reverse or with other ln-law combinations.

If you want to “get into it,” you’ll take the bait. If you want to redirect it, you’ll use the tips. Your decision, but my belief is that life is too short to become consumed in endless bickering. What about you? Let me know if and how you shut down a potential landmine at jangelich@gmail.com.

Happy Mother's Day!

Talk to you soon.