Lots of great information has been pouring in from my readers on the subject of offering advice. I knew it would be“juicy “ topic, so let’s jump in and read what three contributors have to share with you.
Shelly starts us out with:
“What a timely article Jane!! And yes I do sometimes feel like I just have to offer my 2 cents worth. While I'm not yet an mother in law and I didn't have a mother in law to deal with, unsolicited advice, the receiving and giving of, is something that has really been brought to the forefront of my attention in the last couple of days. I know this will cause a chuckle for some, because the impetus for this is my dealings with my new puppy. I keep getting emails regarding all of the things I should and should not do.
This morning I had my "ah-ha" moment. I tend to share my knowledge and experience with people without them ever asking. I don't tell them directly that they should be doing something my way, however I'm sure it comes across this way.
So why do I do this?? Mostly because I like helping people and I do truly want to share what I have read, heard, learned. The thing is, who asked me? There are so many different ways of doing things and so many different personalities, who's to say what works wonderfully for me is right for anyone else. So my new goal is to listen more and to ask if the talker is just looking for a good ear, or wants some input. We'll see how this goes."
Bettie-Ann adds:
"I'm guilty of giving my grown daughters waaaayyyy too much advice. I have to remember to quit parenting and be a mentor instead. And as a mentor I have to remember not to give advice unless its asked for and then not to be offended if they don't take my advice. After all, it is their lives!"
And Neil says:
“I think that because we are each unique individuals, we can only really ever see through our own eyes. Sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that we would "do a better job" if we were facing the challenges that another is facing and so we believe that if we offer our advice, we can be of help.
We are almost always wrong. The first problem is that people want to feel capable- it is one of our primary needs. As soon as we offer unsolicited advice, we are sending the message, "you can't do this without help." Just by speaking our words we are undermining the other's value and competence.
If we really care, we will only offer words that support and encourage; that uplift the other, not make them think less of themselves. We also don't truly know what road the other person is on. Often the goal that we think they are trying to reach is not the real goal at all. Every challenge that we overcome takes us to a new place...a better place.”
More to come in my next column.
Talk to you soon.
Comments