This week, I was a guest on a Los Angeles radio show and got to talk about my book on mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships. The host is the father of five married daughters. He and I got to “mix it up” a bit as we discussed the similarities between being a five time father-in-law (him) and a one time mother-in-law (me). Family dynamics can be challenging, no matter which team members are playing.
He mentioned that he has been in the position of knowing that one of his daughters and her husband were confronting an issue that he and his wife had faced as a young married couple. And, he admitted how difficult it was to “not just tell them what to do.” But, he held back and let them figure it out for themselves.
If you are wondering why you can’t seem to let your in-law, whether it’s a daughter or a son, figure out how to solve problems without your help, it may be time to look closer at yourself. Do you:
believe most people need your care,
think you know what’s best in most situations,
tell people what they should think and how they should feel,
offer advice and directions without being asked and/or,
become resentful when people don’t want your help?
Well, as a mother-in-law or father-in-law, you play a vital role in creating a safe, welcoming and open environment. You need to think about your comments make your daughter-in-law or son-in-law feel welcome and that happens best when we feel that:
we are not being judged,
people are interested in who we are, how we feel, and what we believe in,
we have space to evolve,
we are respected and being treated fairly, and
there is room to make mistakes.
So, if you want to be a helpful in-law, consider asking questions rather than offering all your perceived solutions. Ask questions like:
What do you see as the problem?
What do you think is the right thing to do?
Have you thought about what you might do?
These questions will help validate others, making them feel like you have faith in how they think and problem-solve. And if they haven’t made a decision, often these questions will help clarify what they need to do…without you having to tell them.
Have a safe and fun-filled Labor Day weekend!
Talk to you soon.
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