Offering unsolicited advice can set a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship into a place with a “whole lot of bad.” But what’s wrong with offering advice if asked? Maybe nothing…or maybe something that sends you to that same bad place.
Let me explain. A few years ago, when my son and daughter-in-law were newlyweds, my son picked up the phone from DC and called me. The conversation began with a question. Could I give him my opinion on something, and it was a very minor something, that he and his wife were not in total agreement. I found myself doing what comes naturally and asking about the issue. And then I remembered the expert women I had interviewed who have great mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships and stopped myself from going the next step and offering my opinion.
I told my son that I would be happy to tell him what I thought IF he and my daughter-in-law were on the phone at the same time. He thanked me and hung up. And he has never called back again asking my opinion in that type of situation.
I believe that it’s important to stay out of the middle of a couple’s disagreement because the loser will most likely be you, if you are the mother-in-law. Your son needs to learn to figure out how to reach an acceptable compromise with his wife. You got to offer all the opinions you wanted to when he was a child, an adolescent, a teenager and even a “single guy.” But, he’s not any of those things now. He is an adult with adult responsibilities, one of which is figuring out how to run his own marriage.
I’m not telling you to be a wimp and sit in the corner without an opinion. I’m suggesting that offering advice works best when both members of the couple approach you, together, and ask for it.
I’d love to hear from you if you have a story, good or bad, on this topic at jangelich@gmail.com.
Talk to you soon.
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