Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 13th anniversary. As I began thinking about what I was going to write today, I came across a posting from a woman who is also celebrating her 13th anniversary, but under a very different set of circumstances. She says:
“Today is our 13th anniversary (and probably our last). I loved my mother-in-law's advice, for the most part. The problem, though, is my spouse made a promise to her early in our marriage: they both agreed to discuss and make decisions without me.
He only recently told me that they made decisions about my career, my home, my education, our finances, where we would spend holidays and other issues without me. I never knew. All I knew is that if I asserted myself to my spouse, he would invite his family over and his mom, dad, and sister (sometimes an aunt and brother, too) would yell at me. I just thought they were stressed.
Ten years ago, my mother-in-law gave her son an ultimatum. I enrolled in college despite her pleas that I be a homemaker. She spread quite a bit of gossip about me, it got to the point where his extended family began excluding me from events (while inviting him). Eventually, she gave my husband an ultimatum: he was to choose between his mother and his wife. She lost.
The problem is that everybody lost. My husband hasn't been the same for the past ten years. He won't admit he loves and misses his mother. He refuses to send her cards. He won't help her. He won't call her. He acts like a big piece of him is missing and it makes him distant from me. Worst of all, my husband has a tough time visiting his extended family because they are always talking about his mother's gossip and how I must be controlling him because he won't help his mom. That just enrages him.
I am honestly considering leaving him so he can rekindle his relationship with his mother and other extended family members before she passes away. If I am the reason that they hurt him, I can easily be removed from the equation.
I would love to ask my MIL if the outcome was worth the effort. I doubt this was what she wanted.”
There are so many things wrong with this story, I have decided to let my readers comment first, before I begin picking it apart.
How would you have handled this situation, as the daughter-in-law, when you found out that your husband and his mother had made a “deal” on decision-making that excluded you?
What reaction would you have had to having extended family members yelling at you about a decision?
Would you leave so your husband could “rekindle” his relationship with his mother?
I am extremely happy that my 13th wedding anniversary will be far less complicated.
Talk to you soon.
Comments
Wow. Great questions, Jane. I actually think I would have given my husband one (maybe two) chances to back me up on what I wanted for my life. If his natural inclination was to not support my goals and dreams, and to weigh in with his mother as if they were the parents and I was the child, then I would have seen the writing on the wall: this man isn't available to be a partner. He's already married to someone else (his mother). Very sad. On a happier note, I wish you and your husband a wonderful 13th anniversary! We just celebrated our 15th and I have to say I feel very blessed to have a man who celebrates my accomplishments alongside me.
Thanks for the great insights and the anniversary wishes!
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