Chinese mother-in-law ...is she really revered and feared?

The question of whether the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is easier in another culture sent my inquiring mind searching for answers. And today, an article about the role of the mother-in-law in China caught my attention. According to Jocelyn Elkenburg, who can be found writing about all things Chinese on her site, www.speakingofchina.com, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship in China is “troubling.” Here’s a snapshot of her findings:

“It could have been any other pile of clothing — pastel linen blouses, jeans with a flower pattern embroidered on the side, a silk robe in peacock blue, and more. But they were the clothes of my sister-in-law, married to my husband’s eldest brother, who we all call Da Sao. And my Chinese mother-in-law was anxious to clear them away.

It was a lonely pile of clothes, desperate to be worn. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was more than just housekeeping — because Da Sao was becoming infamous during our dinnertime conversations.

Da Sao is no saint — but not once did my in-laws suggest that Da Ge, her husband, did anything wrong (Da Ge, according to my husband John, is an uninvolved father who has also exacerbated his son’s behavior problems). Clearly, this was a troubling Chinese mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship.

But it’s not just Da Sao. For thousands of years, daughters-in-law have dreaded their Chinese mothers-in-law. Why?

Because the son’s mother has more power and status in the family. According to Confucian principles of filial piety, sons — not daughters — are the only ones obligated to serve and care for their birth parents in their old age. As a result, they are golden to the family (think insurance, before social security and pensions existed) and preferred over daughters.

On the other hand, daughters were tossed away in marriage to a new family, the husband’s, and must transfer their filial piety to the in-laws. In a new home — bound by duty to the in-laws first, and the husband second — daughters-in-law have little status, and were even thought of as slaves to some families (notice that the character for slave, includes the character for woman).

Of course, not all daughters-in-law must endure silent rejection, abuse or worse at the hands of their Chinese mothers-in-law. If anything, the decline of arranged marriages — which were always more of a benefit to the son than the daughter — has elicited a collective sigh of relief among young, marriageable women in China. Choosing your own husband does offer the prospect of more conjugal bliss — and thus more happiness, mitigating the in-law relationship. And nowadays, in-laws often have their own home. Though mother-in-law may stay with you to help raise the grandchild, she’s not a permanent member of the house.

Still, even among today’s married women in China, Chinese mothers-in-law aren’t unlike Chinese deities: something to revere and fear.”

Yikes, revere and fear in the same sentence don't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. I’d love to hear from my readers who have experience in multi-cultural families. How do you “work within the system?”

Talk to you soon.