Learning from experts in the area of great mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships is the best way to work towards a successful relationship of your own. When I look to the experts, I don’t just mean those professionals with many impressive letters after their names. I mean women who write to me and tell me stories about their success.
Today, I am going to share two of these letters with you, starting with one I received from Susan:
“My mother- in- law passed away last year, seven years after my own mom. I was touchy about anyone trying to fill the void my mom left behind, and my mother- in -law always respected boundaries, and we communicated clearly.
For our wedding, we reached an agreement early on: whoever pays gets final say. It worked beautifully. While we would always confer with one another about ideas, and agreed more often than we didn't, it was always clear who would make the final decision, and once that decision was made, no more was said about it, to anyone.
Both she and I love entertaining, and like to be in charge of the show. So, before family gatherings, we would break the parties up into different realms, and we each got to be in charge of something. And once she gave me a task, it was mine. She never second-guessed what I did, and I never second-guessed her. This system works if you both know what you're doing and are equally competent.
However, there were times when I was clueless about certain things. Her family kept Russian and Swedish traditions alive at Christmas time and they were entirely foreign to me. So she called that first year to tell me about them, and then asked me if I wanted to help in any particular area of the preparations. Above all, that's what made it all work. We communicated forthrightly and well, respected one another's strengths, and invited each other into our worlds.
She NEVER told me how to get along with my husband or spoke to me in a way that suggested she knew him better than I, though clearly, any mother would be within her rights to think so. I appreciated that a lot: it meant she trusted me, and so I trusted her and came to seek her advice. She also was willing to move family holiday gatherings around on the calendar so we could attend my family's gatherings and my husband's. That was incredibly valuable. Ultimately, it worked well because we both prized being gracious, respectful, communicative, and restrained.
I miss her terribly, but am still learning from the many lovely examples she set.”
And, there is this one, sent in by Heather:
“Regrettably my dear mother-in-law died March 26, 2001. We had a very close relationship in think in part because I worked to find areas of common interest. We developed our own traditions - Sunday Dinner with family was one. She was a great teacher, a great cook and baker. We made the time to pass on her special recipes. Thanksgiving would not be the same without Mary D's Dilly Bread.
She was a World War II veteran - a nurse and was stationed in Hawaii. She later was in charge of the Tampa General Hospital Emergency Room working nights while she raised her five children alone. Mary had thousand of stories and more than a little wisdom to share!”
Entertaining with their late mothers-in-law created a bond for both of these daughters-in-law. Seems like the simple pleasure of sitting down at the dinner table with your family members goes a long way in setting the stage for a healthy, enjoyable relationship.
How about you? Any stories to share about entertaining and family get-togethers are always welcome at jangelich@gmail.com
Talk to you soon.
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