Ah, National Grouch Day; a holiday for a*sh&l#'s.
We all have a grouch in our lives; or if we wake up on the wrong side of the bed or take our daily mean pill, at the very nicest, we have been described as a "grouch". So what is a true grouch, and how do you know if you are one? Wikipedia describes a grouch as, "One who is grumpy or irritable; To be grumpy or irritable; to complain". It's a good thing we have National Grouch Day!
If every side of the bed is the wrong side of the bed, and you always find yourself waking up on it, chances are you should be celebrating National Grouch Day. If you are a grouch and proud of it, work it, take the day off to be mean to people and celebrate National Grouch Day.
Ways to Celebrate National Grouch Day
1. Complain that absolutely everything is a bad idea.
2. Buy a box of donuts and whistle as you bring them into the office, get everyone excited and then drop them, upside down or throw them at a wall. Look up at everyone and laugh.
3. Ask your bus driver or cab driver why it is taking so long to get to work, even if you are running early.
4. In fact, look for fault in everything and everybody you come into contact with. A true grouch can only see faults.
5. If on Muni, sit behind someone who is having a conversation and loudly correct their grammer as they mis-use it.
6. If someone gives you a, "What's new?", give them the answer they are looking for: "New York, New Hampshire, new clothes, New Jack City, Paul Newman, "new to the city". We all hate that guy.
7. Loudly complain about something good that happened to you, "God, I cant believe I have to fly to Venice again for another wedding, I am so sick of Venice."
8. Most definitely, under no circumstances offer your bus seat to a pregnant woman or child.
9. Make sure you get at least one chance today to say, "I told you so".
10. Tell everyone but your friend that you know her boyfriend is cheating on her. Making sure to discuss how dumb she is and how many times you might have told her or him that their mate was indeed a succubus.
11. Put someone on hold, then transfer them around the office while you go out to lunch.
12. Flush the toliet as your neighbor is showering. Ten extra points if you do it to your husband/wife, twenty points if you do it to your child, thirty points if your child is under the age of 7.
13. Drive solo in the car pool lane and then cut everyone right before the toll, flipping the bird to the nice woman who let you in, instead of a wave.
14. Tell everyone you see today that you think Where the Wild Things Are is going to suck.
15. WRITE EVERYTHING IN CAPS
16. Bait people all day by asking their opinions and then reacting the opposite grouch answers and lash out.
17. Tell uncomfortable and ridiculous lies about yourself.
18. "Why?" someone all day.
19. If you are the boss - fire everyone at least once today.
20. Instead of kissing your wife when you get home, tell her how much you hate your life.
21. Be creative and Happy National Grouch Day.
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