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Childhood experiences can trigger powerful responses in adulthood. This is why what may hurt one woman bounces right off another. I admire women who have the ability to just let things go. One of my closest and most amazing friends, affectionately known as Little Debbie, has this knack. I like to joke that she has a very well-developed left prefrontal cortex, and is able to brush away rude or hurtful remarks. She can let things go. I'm not talking about little things either. It's amazing. She's amazing! .jpg)
And then there's me. I'm a recovering feelings hoarder; forever taking things too personally, feeling rejected, not knowing where I stand with a friend, and spending way too much time thinking about it.
Being thin-skinned has its positives and negatives. One positive for sure—knowing what hurts my feelings, makes me more sensitive about repeating any behaviors that could do the same to another. Trust me on this, if I ever have hurt your feelings, I certainly didn't mean to. I have been guilty of hurting friends, they have forgiven me, and I love them even more for it. As a result, we are as close as ever. Knowing the pain I have caused them, is a valuable lesson. As I said in my very first column, my best friends are my best friends for their ability to forgive me.
Hurt feelings are often the result of: a misunderstanding, a perceived misplaced loyalty, a poor judgment call, words said while grumpy, words said while angry, and words not chosen carefully enough. They can also be a result of: passive aggressive humor, frustration, a forgotten return call, mistaking simple insensitivity for an intentional insult or offense, or many other things. Additionally, not showing enthusiasm or sharing in the happiness of a friend's good fortune could be devastatingly hurtful. (There will be much more about that in a future column.) Hurt feelings can be something very real, and something which is simply a miscommunication. And it almost doesn’t matter because it’s all still painful.
Having your feelings hurt is a physical response that stuns you and changes your otherwise good mood to gloomy. It feels like a punch to the belly.
Yet there is a simple cure. It's the apology, done and said right. However, first you must let your friend know something she did or said has hurt you. It's one of the hardest things to do. Nobody wants confrontation. And that's why it's so difficult to let our friends know when they've hurt us. What are we afraid of? What is the worst thing that can happen by letting them know? I am on a one-woman crusade to spread the message that it doesn't matter if the friend that needs the apology took it wrong or not, or if she's being too sensitive. It doesn't matter if you don't understand. All that matters is that in order to mend her distress, an apology is imperative.
...you might also enjoy these:
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- What is a best friend?
- Short-term friends
- She doesn't like my face
- Are you nuts? She could be an ax murderer
- People who need people
- Toxic People
- Forced friends and frenemies
- The A-List
- The A-List part two
- Platonic love at first sight
- Were those pioneer women really so plucky?
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Comments
I think the most beneficial part of today's column is the last paragraph. It is painfully hard to be honest and tell someone that they have hurt you, and I guess the biggest reason is because people think they will be perceived as weak or overly sensitive. But I guess it's a testament as to how the valuable the friendship is to you, that you're willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable place in order to save it.
Rita, you nailed it. And yes, although I might come off as overly sensitive, people (our friends) need to know that something they did or said, stung. It's been my experience with my friends, that honesty was the best way to go, and sincere apologies followed...which is why they are my friends! It wasn't always this way. Many years ago a very good friend hurt me deeply and when I told her, she got defensive to the point of telling me, "just get over it." No apology until much later when she knew she was losing my friendship. That's a whole other Oprah!
That's the real reason we hold it all in, the real fear that we'll be told, "get over it." And those words, they just kill. They kill your heart, they kill the friendship. Shame on your "friend" for saying that.
Ohhhh the confrontation! The part I am worst at, I'm either too tippy-toe or too brash a lot of the time. Its about as nerve-wrecking and stomach wrenching as asking someone out on a date, because in reality your feelings can be rejected, only in this instance by someone you've PICKED to be in your life--like I brought this on myself?!?!!! I've found it incredibly helpful to discuss the matter with my mom or aunt before going to the person, sometimes a girlfriend or two. I try to resist re-living the situation too much, but just enough to vent as well as hear another side and get advice on how to approach the situation. The key is to be to the point, not bluntly, but to make sure you get your feelings across. Many times, reminding them that you value their friendship and that's why it hurt helps with them putting their dukes down and realizing that you need a hug, a sorry, and at least an hour of girl time. When I feel I've gotten a sincere apology (and we ALL know when that is...the knot in your stomach disappears--duh)my whole outlook on the day, on all my situations, as well as my ability to clear my otherwise distressed brain suddenly fall into place, and I'm big on a sincere hug--I promise it makes all the difference, and sorta "fills you back up" as my mom and I say...where as before you were feeling an empty spot where you felt you had lost that friendship or a piece of it.
A sidenote on the "get over it". 1st-I'm sorry you had to get your feelings rejected by a friend. 2nd-Any person saying "get over it" really feels bad, but isn't good at being nurturing, they want to brush it under the rug because they obviously have an awkwardness about apologizing. Either their ego or their awkwardness has stunted their apologizing capabilities...not everyone is good at it, accept that about people. Its good that you forgave her, be the change you would like to see in others.
I am a friend of your son Steve, who I love and adore. And - I see where Steve gets your personality. He has so many friends that love him and he is so nice to everyone. Anyway, it is rejection we're so afraid of. And I have to agree with everything Shayna said and second it - we NEED the hug. It's so healing. I've been there. I've had the apology make my day and instantly heal the knot in my stomach too. I love your articles.
It is truly important to tell people how you feel. I hate confrontation but have realized that by not informing my friend, sister or whoever that they have hurt me just make matters worse. I know am able to explain to that person how they've hurt me and most of the time they never even realized it and feel horrible. On the other hand, I to have hurt people unintentionally. Therefore, it is very important for people to express their feelings and if they don't get a possitive responce or an apology then maybe that person is not a true friend. You should surround yourself with possitive people who want only but the best for you. All others just suck the positive energy out of you to make themselves feel better. So get ride of negative influences.
Great Article!!
By the way, I also am a friend of Steven's and think he's a good guy. :)
Don't you think we get our feelings hurt more in relationships where we don't feel safe (aka where we are lacking confidence)? Another reason why it stings so much more when it's a friend and not a family member.
Good question Carrie. But I have felt very safe and confident and have still been deeply hurt. However, lacking confidence does make us a little bit more "touchy." But what makes us less confident in the first place? It's the snotty tone, the forgotten-to-return-phone call, the "look" especially the look where you say something, and she turns, looks at another friend while rolling her eyes. OUCH!
I have a situation with a long time friend who has really hurt me deeply. This was the last straw for me. I have been there for her more times than I can count and she has been there for me a few times. I tried, very carefully, to discuss my hurt with her about this one the phone when I was pregnant with my son but she was so defensive and told me this was too much work and not worth it! She called me a horrible name in the heat of it and also tried to turn things around and make ugly accusations. It was confusing and terribly hurtful! She has never taken responsibility for the negative ways in which she has treated me. She makes excuses and basically treats me like I am a pain in the butt for even mentioning it. I am so hurt and angry and have never felt heard or acknowledged by her. She has tried to burst my bubble at special moments and she has all out ignored other special moments. I have tried to back away and let it all go but she keeps inviting me to take part in her milestones?
I would like to add that every time she invites me and my family I feel so torn. I care about her and her family but I feel sick to my stomach that she doesn't seem to care about the negative affect she has had on me or how she has hurt me. I want to be honest with her and tell her again and I want to be specific and let her know how hurt I still am but I am also thinking it's just wasted breath at this point? Any suggestions?
Michelle, if you'd like to take this to email, you can reach me at DebbiePuente@gmail.com.
Its interesting that I come upon this column today. My best girlfriend is staying with me for a week while shes doing some consulting work. For her birthday this year I labored over making her a gift of a cookbook, going so far as talking to her family behind her back to get their recipes to add to it. I spent a lot of time and put a lot of love into. When she got it she told me she absolutly loved it, but this week while here, I made one of the recipes that was in the book , and she loved it but when she asked me how to make it and I told her it was in her cookbok, she said, " I don't use cookbooks". I know she could tell she said the wrong thing and tried to cover it by saying "unless its a special recipe". it hurt my feelings, but I didnt confront her about it because I knew I'd just cry. And is it really that big a deal? its like I dont want to make her feel bad by letting her know she made me feel bad.
Hi Melissa,
I understand why your feelings were hurt, but you must let this one go. Gosh, I've done this...made a comment without thinking and I was mortified at my lack of having a filter between my brain and my mouth. It's no reflection of her love and affection towards you, so I feel you need to forgive her for saying it, stop thinking about it, and just let it go. If that doesn't work, allow her to say she's sorry by telling her that you KNOW she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but you are hurting. Thanks so much for reading, and good luck.
a few years ago i took my high end autistic 11 yr old granson to an outdoor party for a friend of over 30 years...there were lots of kids and games...there were little party bags for the kidsto put candy in.now when you give a child obsessive behavior tendancies a bag to fill with candy he is going to do just that...fill the bag. my friend came over to me and said that she did not mind if he took some candy but she did not want him to take all of it. now mind you there was more than enough candy to go around for everyone including adults and he was not taking anything that someone else already had. my grandson is very well behaved. i was humiliated and i had to have my grandson empty out most of the candy in his little bag of candy but emptied it anyway and just went on playing games with the other kids.i said nothing at the party..did not behave as if there was anyting wrong...it was her party and i was not gong to cause a scene at her party.
i went for nearly a year before i wrote her and told her what she had done and how upset i was with her that she would do that to me and to my grandson. we don't live near each other so this party is a once a year get together.guess what ....i have not heard from her in nearly 3 years now. i have sent a couple of cards and and email now and then but nothing too personal that was going to hang me out there.she just ignored all attempts for contact. was i wrong? was she wrong? my goodness we were friends for over 30 years and now it is all gone. should i have just let it go?
Shame on her. She should have apologized to you. I do not think that you were wrong. I am a firm believer in letting our friends know when they have hurt us, and an even firmer believer in saying you're sorry. It sounds as if you would have forgiven her anyway. Well, I am sorry for the way you and your grandchild were treated.
I would like to know just how you let her know how hurt you were. Did you focus on YOUR feelings only? Did you perhaps use the "you" word too much? I have found that it's always best to just focus on your own feelings...something that nobody can argue against.
In any event, it's awful to be treated in such a way. I am sorry. You sound like an awesome grandma!
Someone with whom I have been freinds for 9 yrs. wrote me an e-mail that was very disturbing.....simply stating in not so nice words that she does not want to hear about my daughters new man in her life....Now, I need to add that I do not talk about my daughters love life with her on purpose because I have always felt she is uncomfortable about it...so, I truly avoid it....she also has a daughter who is the same age (25) as mine...they have been friends also and have gone out together in the past, We spent an evening together, the four of us...went to a play and dinner and she accused my daughter of taking over the evening conversation about her boyfriend...this did not happen...this was based on the fact that my daughter may have answered a text or two from her boyfirend while we were together that evening and I can only assume this bothered my friend and possibly her daughter who at this point does not have a someone.....I know this might sound like the big green monster, but, my upset is in the way she handled this with letting me know....an e-mail!!! A phone call so that we could have discussed this would have seemed to be the way to handle it. She will not answer any of my phone calls and I have written her by e-mail trying to get her to understand that noone meant any harm and this was totally unintentional and my daughter meant no harm.....I have apologized without even being able to defend myself because I felt stepping up and being the better person is the way to
I sometimes get my feelings hurt so deeply I don't know what to do about it. The situation is that my husband and I have a group of friends that we have done a lot with in the past. We have a good time when we are together. The problem is the wives of the other husbands do things with each other but do not include me! This has been going on for years! I have gotten my feelings hurt so many times, but pick my self up and just try to be a better person. I find myself asking what to I dose wrong, what is it about me that I do they don't like! I think of them as my best friends, I think that is why it hurts me so badly! Recently our grandson was in a bad motorcycle accident, the guys all called my husband to ask about him. It has been about three weeks and I have not had one call or e mail. I keep telling myself that is not what is important. I know my hurt goes back to my childhood. A long story short. My dad killed himself when I was eleven, my mother (divorced) dropped me off to go to the services by myself, then when I was seventeen my ex husband also killed himself and again I did not have the support of any member of my family. I believe this is why Im so sensitive. I want to know how ICANN not get so hurt over what people DON'T say or do? And how or what can I do to let them know how hurt I am with out being pathetic or ruining what we have? I also don't want to ruin the friendships my husband has with them. They are good people, I just want to feel like I belong!
I admit I rarely have times where my feelings are so hurt that I feel the need to avoid people but right now I am in a situation just like that. I am the newly elected leader of a drumming group at my university and we have been together so long and are so tight its like we're a family. But last week at practice, my good friend of 8 years began making comments about my Halloween costume and they seemed to have hurt me more than she or I perceived at the time. I had described the dress I had been stitching together for the last month by hand (my machine is broken) and at the end of every sentence she'd laugh and declare how very un-Greek that was (I'm going as the Goddess Athena). I kept trying to justify my costume to her (she's never even seen it) but she just kept laughing. I didn't think I'd take it so personally but as I've been trying to finish it up, I just keep breaking out in tears. I'm not sure what to do. My two closest friends moved out of state a few months ago and although I talk to them online, I really wish they could be with me once again tonight at practice. I'm not sure how to face my friend because I doubt she noticed how much she hurt me. I also don't want to make a scene and disrupt the practice for the rest of the members. I really don't know what to do and how to get over this sick pit of a stomach and to stop crying over my beautiful dress.
Thank you for this article. I'm a very sensitive person myself. After being hurt by a friend, when I confronted her ,she told me its all in my head. This only broke me down more .
My advice to all would be to NOT confront when you are still hurt or angry like I did. I know I said things I shouldnt have and it only made the situation worse. Now she treats me worse than before plus I cant get over the hurt she caused me in the past... I have given up..
i have had this very good friend and we have so many inside jokes and we have lots of fun together. we r in 7th grade. she had a boyfriend and i was texting her like ohh yah i wish i had a boyfriend. and she starting being all mean lik oh is that all you think about? why do you care so much? i thought you didnt care about how boys thought about you! and oh my lord you are in 7TH GRADE. its not serious we just date for fun. but she wasnt being supportive of me and she was being actually quite mean. and there is this boy that is a sexist and self-righteous dick who all the girls cant stand and hate and my so calles "best friend" says oh he would want to date you. i lost it from there. i have been known to hate him the most out of all the friggen girls in our grade. words cant even explain how much i hate him. now i dont know what to do because everyone loves her and i am gonna be all alone tomorow at school. we usually meet at the corner and walk together but nope i guess not because im pissed. idk what to do. no one wants to date me anyway because they are so upsessed with her. yup. and she had a boyfriend. help. please idk what to do now.!.!
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