Good listening is an art that can be developed with practice and patience. It's encouraging others to speak while you remain an active listener. In other words, active listening is being able to relate to what she is telling you, without making it about you. If you can do this, consider it a social gift. If you can't, like any skill, you can learn. Your thoughts and opinions can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Resist the temptation to verbalize all of your thoughts.
Being a good listener is also about finding out who others are, and hearing their stories, before you share your brilliant ideas and stories. A few years ago I was at a party and joined in on a conversation about food and cooking. The nice older lady next to me listened as I went on and on about how to make gluten-free desserts. Nearing the end of the party I finally introduced myself and said, “Gosh, I’ve gone on a little too long talking about baking. I’m Debbie Puente.” The nice lady said, “it’s very nice to meet you Debbie, I’m Margaret O’Brian.” Yes, it was that Margaret O’Brian, former child movie star. I beat myself up pretty good after realizing how much I manipulated that conversation and how much I hadn’t learned. Since that night, I always introduce myself right off the bat, and find out who others are.
Being a good listener helps you to remember the names of the people who've been introduced to you. Well, even the best listeners might need some additional help with that one! Please see my column on remembering names: Remember her name.
Comments
right on, great advice!
That cute dog looks as if he's trying to be a good listener! Great advice Debbie!
You mean it isn't adorable when I finish listening to a story and respond with, "So?", and then tell my related story? Ha Ha. Very true. Great advice. I love a good listener!
I really appreciate the beginning section of the article that states "active listening is being able to relate to what she is telling you, without making it about you". I can't tell you how much it annoys me when I am trying to tell a story or vent and the listener miraculously turns it out around to be about them. I'm all for hearing their related stories but please wait your turn.
deb, thanks for this great reminder as we move into "party season" with the holidays, etc. approaching. I sometimes find my mouth takes on a mind of its own, and I jabber on about what someone else probably finds very boring....time to listen more talk less! thx.
I do know someone who could really use this info, she seems to DOMINATE every conversation by butting in with HER STORY without realizing it or even letting the person finish their thoughts, any hints or tips that we could pass on without being completely rude?
Linda A - Without being rude? SHE'S THE ONE WHO IS RUDE. How about telling her, "excuse me, but you didn't even let me finish my thought. I love Debbie's advice to never take someone to task in public but rather when one on one. I would tell her that when she never lets those around her finish their thoughts, she comes off as rude, and that's just not fun. Does she think she's the only one worth hearing? Time to get tough with her, or drop her like a hot potato. Why hasn't anyone done her the favor of telling her by now? It WILL be a favor.
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