Angry Wives Examined: Who's to Blame?

Why are moms so mad at dads?

What's better than the lazy, lump-on-a-log dad stereotype? Well, the whiney, nagging wife stereotype of course. Thanks to Melissa Kossler Dutton at Patagraph.com we got a decent dose of both. In her March 9^th article, "Moms mad at dad: A touch of rage on the homefront" Dutton aims blame squarely on dads as she assesses, "Men still don't pull their weight."

Dutton's article focuses on the fact that moms are filled with rage because of their husbands. Moms almost walk on water and their anger is given a pass time and time again. Her article is a reactionary piece like many similar gripe session articles that all were born from the article "Mad at Dad" from Parenting.com. The "Mad at Dad" article is a real gem and pulls on such great statistics like:

Lots of moms -- 40 percent -- are also angry that their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids.

I wonder if those same moms are the ones that grab a baby out of their husbands' hands and say things like, "You aren't doing that right!" or if those are different moms entirely. Also, I love the round numbers ‘40 percent' and the scientific terms like ‘Lots of moms.' Those vague findings and sugar coated-lollipop language to talk about said findings are the kinds of things that make dad readers nauseas not to mention more than a little skeptical (40 percent of us anyways).

Apparently, moms are upset that their husbands don't do anything around the house and are surprised that their constant yelling and screaming doesn't get the desired effect of compliance. I am no psychologist, but I do know that a productive environment is one in which the lines of communication are open and mature discussions about disagreements take place--just saying. Also, anger is not a healthy emotion to be feeling in the first place and does have serious health implications for those who are consumed by it--not to mention the fact that moms are modeling very poor behaivor with all these angry outbursts.

In the "Mad at Dad" piece, which Dutton refers to many times, you begin to see that there are a lot of women out there that are just fuming with their husbands. For instance, here is what one mom had to say about her diabolical husband:

"My husband is sometimes lax when it comes to keeping an eye on the kids," says Sarah, the mom of a toddler and preschooler in New Jersey. "No one's ever gotten hurt, but once I came home and found that my toddler's brand-new -- expensive! -- rug was covered in marker. It was clear he'd left them on their own for a while, with markers. I was furious. I'm still furious."

Guess what Sarah, that rug will get puked on (or worse) like twenty times in the next two years so simmer down. Furious? Over a rug? Your husband is sometimes lax? And that was one time...!! My suggestion is seek help.

I had an opportunity to speak with Pete Janelle, the co-creator of Dad-Blogs a social networking site for dads and dad bloggers, and I asked him what he thought moms could do to communicate more effectively instead of using anger, and he said:

"Some moms are quick to pass judgment on their husbands and hold grudges for long periods of time--there is no middle ground. If something is bothering you, don't let it stew...approach the subject at the very beginning and work it out." Pete goes on to say, "The marriages that work the best, from my experience, are those where the couples talk to each other like best friends do--with mutual respect and admiration. What type of lesson are we teaching our children with all the yelling and screaming anyway? "

Amazingly, even a dad like Pete got it right and comes up with an answer befitting of an expert couples therapist.

What is most troubling about the Dutton article is that she makes no mistake that she has taken sides and is quite comfortable calling dads "slackers."

According to Melissa Kossler Dutton--dad basher at Pantagraph.com, moms have every right to be mad at us lazy dads. "Studies confirm there's ample reason for frustration... American men still don't pull their weight when it comes to housework and child care." Well, to her credit, Melissa does cite the study from the Council on Contemporary Families to support her conclusions. Strangely enough, the article she uses to support her hypothesis shows that dads are doing more around the house and that they are spending more time with their children. Dutton does acknowledge this fact with a backhanded compliment as she says,

"Men aren't quite the slackers they used to be - one report found that men's contribution to housework had doubled over the past four decades; another found they tripled the time spent on child care over that span." Gee thanks lady! While we are calling all dads slackers, why not call all blondes dumb and all politicians crooks?

The study written by Oriel Sullivan, Ben Gurion and Scott Coltrane which she references concludes:

• In the U.S., time-use diary studies show that since the '60s, men's contribution to housework doubled from about 15 percent to more than 30 percent of the total. Over the same period, the average working mother reduced her weekly housework load by two hours.
• Between 1965 and 2003, men tripled the amount of time they spent on child care. During the same period, women also increased the time spent with their children, suggesting mutual interest in a more hands-on approach to child-raising.

Sullivan and Coltrane predict men's contributions will increase further as more women take jobs. Even though the study was done between 1965 and 2003 Dutton points to it as the Holy Grail of all studies and uses the data from it to back up her 2009 assertions.

Dutton's article focuses on the fact that moms are filled with rage because their husbands are either incompetent or lazy. I am a stay-at-home dad and after reading the article from Parenting.com and Pantagraph.com I am beginning to wonder if dads are better equipped to stay at home. I read passages like the following with shock (my notes in parenthesis):

(Shannon) Johnson said she can "identify with the rage" in the article (rage? really?), but attributes a lot of the issues to the different communication styles (normal and crazy) of men and women.

The 31-year-old mother of three used to fume (holy moly-settle down) when her husband left the house empty handed even though she knew he thought he was helping by loading the kids in the car (not easy). But she also knew, once everyone was buckled in, he would be checking messages and surfing the Web on his BlackBerry (checking messages=work=money=bad?).

She initially tried to solve their problems by yelling (see worst idea ever). When her husband asked her to stop, she told him: "I have to yell because I have to get your attention. (you could also hit him with a ball peen hammer to get his attention-why not try that?)"

Eventually, she realized telling him what was bothering her yielded better results (see duh).

"I don't expect my husband to be perfect," she said. "I expect him to try harder. (and he will try harder...to avoid you if you yell at him all the time)"

It's a role Tom Johnson, 33, is comfortable with. He likes when they sit down and come up with ways to address their concerns. "The whole solution thing is great," he said (who knew mature conversations were so awesome?).

Here is another passage taken from the Parenting.com piece:

"It's like being pecked to death by a chicken," she says. "I call these silly little things the pecks that are nothing, but when they keep happening, they drive you crazy. I think, 'I shouldn't have to tell you I need this.' "

My Response:

Lucy, I am a stay-at-home dad. My much-loved wife does those same things, but guess what-I don't care. She leaves her shoes around the house for me to trip over and nylons draped all over the place. Dishes...yeah, we got those too. We actually have laundry and all the other normal chores but one thing we don't have is a whiney stay-at-home parent that writes to online magazines to cry and complain about dishes. Is it just me or is all of this whining really petty?

From a dad's perspective, I find most of this whining to be very childish, and I find this constant demonizing of dads to be scapegoating. Why not communicate your problems with your husband in a mature way? Why not take some responsibility for improving your marriage instead of staying in a comfortable cycle of "blame-the-husband-for-all-the-worlds-problems?" If you have anger issues seek help and don't blame someone else for the fact that you go crazy when dishes aren't put in the dishwasher immediately. The problem with the articles cited here is that they place much of the blame on bad dads and not marriages plagued by communication breakdowns.

Are you a mom that is filled with rage because your husband left the kitchen light on? Do you have so much anger inside because of how your husband parents that you find it hard to control? Are you a husband dealing with an angry wife? Does your wife constantly belittle and yell at you? How does this make you feel? Why are moms given a pass here and dads looked at as the problem?