Celebrating the holidays after the death of a loved one

Image Credit: S Brown

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, holiday cheer seems to be everywhere we look. For families who have recently suffered the loss of a loved one, the holidays may seem like more of a burden than a joy.

This year has been a tough one for my family, because it’s our first year without Grandpa. He passed away unexpectedly this year in April, and we’ll never be the same. Still, we’re healing and are lucky to have many wonderful memories of this amazing man.

Growing up, I loved the family traditions we had at Thanksgiving. Still do, as a matter of fact. One that I especially enjoy is that before the meal, we all stand in a big circle (and I do mean big—my family is quite sizeable!) Each of us is given a chance to talk about something for which we’re grateful this year. It’s always a fun and sometimes emotional experience. Kids are sometimes thankful for funny things like peanut butter or new Hannah Montana backpacks, while grownups are sometimes thankful for things like the family or a new job.

After dinner, everyone gets together to help clean up the dishes and put away the food. Aunt Pam always picks the meat off the turkey carcass while others wash dishes and wipe counters. During this time, we all sing Christmas carols to welcome the Christmas season.

This year, as we sit around the table to enjoy our Thanksgiving feast, I expect that we will all be thinking of Grandpa. I’ll remember the way he’d sneak us a piece of turkey before dinner when our moms weren’t looking, or how he’d always stand up right after dinner, pat his tummy, and say, “Ok, who’s ready for a turkey sandwich?” I’ll remember how he would lay on the living room floor with his squishy feather pillows and let all of the kids play with his hair (and the time we got plastic Lifesavers stuck in it.) I’ll remember the way he pronounced my daughter Sophia’s name with a fake Italian accent, and the way he had a silly joke for every occasion.

I’ll remember all of the hours I spent looking at his incredible book collection and old photos with him. And I can’t forget how he is the only real person I ever knew who could talk just like Donald Duck.

I hope that this year, as my family moves forward, we will take comfort in our traditions and happily reminisce about years past, and maybe even start some new ones. I hope that we will still take the time to remember what makes us grateful, including having had Grandpa in our world for as long as we did. And if your family has suffered loss this year, I wish you healing and peace this Thanksgiving.

Grief Support Resources: Do you need grief support? Call Christian Hospital's Adult Grief Support Group at 314-653-4444, or DePaul's Adult Grief Group at 314-344-7080, or the St. Louis Chapter of the Bereaved Parents of the USA at 314-878-0890.

Please allow us to add our insight to this challenging time for the bereaved.

While grieving we go through many firsts as important dates come up on the calendar. Whether it’s the first anniversary, birthday or holiday, it’s good to have coping strategies in place to rely on to help us cope.

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for the bereaved. While we are used to being with our family members during this time, sadly, an important person in the family is missing. And while we take comfort in having family close—whom we depend on for support—often while in their midst we still feel sad or lost remembering past occasions and events because this time of year is particularly ripe with upsetting memories. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays:

1. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – Whatever way you might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements, unusual flowers, something that was not tried before. Asking the guests to bring a small gift for a grab bag. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past and not doing things exactly the same way.

2. MAKING PLANS – When the bereaved have too much time on their hands, they begin to think and reflect. Often painful thoughts will come up comprised of past memories and events that were shared with the one they loved. Making plans for the holidays help people cope with change and leave them with some structure and things to do. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. We are reminded at holiday time by advertising, music, sales and a great deal of visual stimulation so that it appears that everyone in the world is having a good time and a place to go. When plans are made, people often feel that they have something to look forward to and share.

3. LIVING IN THE MOMENT – Worries often increase when people go too far ahead in their thinking. If we learn to breathe and stay in the moment, we learn how to be just in “the now”. In this way, we can fully appreciate the moment that is “Now” and not some other moment to come. We can be fully present and observing just what is in front of us. This may sound simple but people tend to over-analyze and over-think too many things. An example might be that if we look at a flower, really look at it, we begin to notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. If we can look at every aspect of that flower as if it were the first time we can truly discover it. There can be great joy in living in the moment and not the past and not the future. It gives us a break from our thoughts and minds and allows us to appreciate the present moment we are in. Often we don’t have to do anything with it but notice it. It is a good break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – When we are grateful for life’s blessings and for what we have, we distract ourselves from what is wrong with our lives. We fixate and ruminate less on what is missing. Being thankful for our children, our healthy minds and bodies. Being willing to be appreciative all the small things in our lives that make up the big things. Our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply increases our sensitivity and awareness of the world around us.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise is a good antidote for stress through the holidays and stress at other times as well. Enjoying exercise on a regular basis is something good to include in our lives. Whether we walk, swim, bike ride or hike, moving our bodies allows us to be outdoors and observe nature. It often takes us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety which often accompanies early grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise that give our mood a lift. Exercise is often prescribed for depression and depressive thoughts.

6. NUTRITION – The bereaved often cannot eat, do not enjoy food, or may be inclined to eat too much or eat junk foods. Often the grieving person loses interest in food shopping because they don’t know how to shop for one, or they don’t want to cook for themselves. Appropriate nutritional habits are important through the grieving period because the immune system is down due to stress. Everything one can do to stay healthy is helpful. One of the signs that the bereaved is doing better is the indication that they care again about proper nutrition and make the effort to eat more than cheese and crackers. If a bereaved person was a caregiver and spent a lot of time cooking for an ill spouse they would have to learn to slowly convert this energy and give themselves permission to take good care of themselves. This is appropriate and not an indulgence. It is not selfish; it is good self-nurturing.

7. ADEQUATE REST – Sleep often gets disturbed during times of extreme stress. Being mindful of getting enough sleep is a good idea since sleep patterns can be interrupted. People often report that they may fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep. If one was used to sleeping in a bed with their spouse, there is an increased awareness of the empty bed. People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during high stress times. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea. It is important to not over stimulate the mind at least an hour before bedtime.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Calling and making arrangements for activities and having plans are useful for getting through the holidays. Friends and family can provide comfort, safely, warmth and love. Surround yourself with the people that bring out the best in you. Talk to your friends and allow them to include you in their plans.

Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less attached to being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life that care and want to be with you. Initiate a dinner or a movie or some activity to share. Be with friends or family members that help you decrease your stress not increase it and look forward to the fact that next year will be easier for you. It is the first experience of holidays that is the most difficult to get through. Encourage yourself to participate. Hopefully, next year will be easier and you will have more events to look forward to that bring you joy.

Gloria Lintermans and Dr. Marilyn Stolzman are co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc., ISBN 1-932783-48-2) and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (Sourcebooks, Inc., ISBN 1-932783-51-2). Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T, is a highly respected practicing psychotherapist specializing in grief counseling in private practice in Woodland Hills, CA., and the Director of the Los Angeles-based non-profit H.O.P.E. Unit Foundation for Bereavement and Transition, an ongoing bereavement support organization serving the community. Gloria Lintermans is a North Hollywood, Ca.-based freelance writer, author, and widow.

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Gloria Lintermans 3 years ago

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Please allow us to add our insight to this challenging time for the bereaved.

While grieving we go through many firsts as important dates come up on the calendar. Whether it’s the first anniversary, birthday or holiday, it’s good to have coping strategies in place to rely on to help us cope.

The holidays can be a particularly difficult time for the bereaved. While we are used to being with our family members during this time, sadly, an important person in the family is missing. And while we take comfort in having family close—whom we depend on for support—often while in their midst we still feel sad or lost remembering past occasions and events because this time of year is particularly ripe with upsetting memories. The following are suggestions for managing the holidays:

1. CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL – Whatever way you might have set the table before, create a new pattern, maybe different seating arrangements, unusual flowers, something that was not tried before. Asking the guests to bring a small gift for a grab bag. The point is to establish a different ritual, a different style that is not a reminder of the past and not doing things exactly the same way.

2. MAKING PLANS – When the bereaved have too much time on their hands, they begin to think and reflect. Often painful thoughts will come up comprised of past memories and events that were shared with the one they loved. Making plans for the holidays help people cope with change and leave them with some structure and things to do. Too much free time can stimulate loneliness and despair. We are reminded at holiday time by advertising, music, sales and a great deal of visual stimulation so that it appears that everyone in the world is having a good time and a place to go. When plans are made, people often feel that they have something to look forward to and share.

3. LIVING IN THE MOMENT – Worries often increase when people go too far ahead in their thinking. If we learn to breathe and stay in the moment, we learn how to be just in “the now”. In this way, we can fully appreciate the moment that is “Now” and not some other moment to come. We can be fully present and observing just what is in front of us. This may sound simple but people tend to over-analyze and over-think too many things. An example might be that if we look at a flower, really look at it, we begin to notice its color, form, shape, uniqueness, scent, petals and pollen. If we can look at every aspect of that flower as if it were the first time we can truly discover it. There can be great joy in living in the moment and not the past and not the future. It gives us a break from our thoughts and minds and allows us to appreciate the present moment we are in. Often we don’t have to do anything with it but notice it. It is a good break from problem-solving and worry.

4. GRATITUDE – When we are grateful for life’s blessings and for what we have, we distract ourselves from what is wrong with our lives. We fixate and ruminate less on what is missing. Being thankful for our children, our healthy minds and bodies. Being willing to be appreciative all the small things in our lives that make up the big things. Our ability to see, to hear, to think, to reflect, to notice, to enjoy and to feel deeply increases our sensitivity and awareness of the world around us.

5. EXERCISE – Exercise is a good antidote for stress through the holidays and stress at other times as well. Enjoying exercise on a regular basis is something good to include in our lives. Whether we walk, swim, bike ride or hike, moving our bodies allows us to be outdoors and observe nature. It often takes us out of ourselves and into the world. It may distract the griever from the constant state of anxiety which often accompanies early grieving. We release endorphins in our brain when we exercise that give our mood a lift. Exercise is often prescribed for depression and depressive thoughts.

6. NUTRITION – The bereaved often cannot eat, do not enjoy food, or may be inclined to eat too much or eat junk foods. Often the grieving person loses interest in food shopping because they don’t know how to shop for one, or they don’t want to cook for themselves. Appropriate nutritional habits are important through the grieving period because the immune system is down due to stress. Everything one can do to stay healthy is helpful. One of the signs that the bereaved is doing better is the indication that they care again about proper nutrition and make the effort to eat more than cheese and crackers. If a bereaved person was a caregiver and spent a lot of time cooking for an ill spouse they would have to learn to slowly convert this energy and give themselves permission to take good care of themselves. This is appropriate and not an indulgence. It is not selfish; it is good self-nurturing.

7. ADEQUATE REST – Sleep often gets disturbed during times of extreme stress. Being mindful of getting enough sleep is a good idea since sleep patterns can be interrupted. People often report that they may fall asleep but have trouble staying asleep. If one was used to sleeping in a bed with their spouse, there is an increased awareness of the empty bed. People tend to oversleep or not sleep enough during high stress times. Listening to soothing music before bedtime is relaxing; not listening to the news before going to bed is a good idea. It is important to not over stimulate the mind at least an hour before bedtime.

8. FAMILY AND FRIENDS – Reaching out to family and friends is particularly helpful at holiday time. Calling and making arrangements for activities and having plans are useful for getting through the holidays. Friends and family can provide comfort, safely, warmth and love. Surround yourself with the people that bring out the best in you. Talk to your friends and allow them to include you in their plans.

Accept invitations, try to laugh and see funny movies. Be less attached to being a third wheel and more attached to how wonderful it is to have people in your life that care and want to be with you. Initiate a dinner or a movie or some activity to share. Be with friends or family members that help you decrease your stress not increase it and look forward to the fact that next year will be easier for you. It is the first experience of holidays that is the most difficult to get through. Encourage yourself to participate. Hopefully, next year will be easier and you will have more events to look forward to that bring you joy.

Gloria Lintermans and Dr. Marilyn Stolzman are co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (Sourcebooks, Inc., ISBN 1-932783-48-2) and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (Sourcebooks, Inc., ISBN 1-932783-51-2). Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T, is a highly respected practicing psychotherapist specializing in grief counseling in private practice in Woodland Hills, CA., and the Director of the Los Angeles-based non-profit H.O.P.E. Unit Foundation for Bereavement and Transition, an ongoing bereavement support organization serving the community. Gloria Lintermans is a North Hollywood, Ca.-based freelance writer, author, and widow.
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