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C Ranney
When a grandchild dies, grandparents have a triple measure of sorrow and grief. They grieve for the lost grandchild, as well as the loss of a piece of the next generation. Grandchildren carry on the legacy of a family, or at least that is often the expectation for them, and grandparents sometimes see their legacy diminished, or the loss of their name being carried on.
Perhaps the greatest grief of a grandparent is to see their son or daughter suffer so much at the loss of his or her child. Parents are validated partly by being the protectors, the ones to help solve problems, comfort sorrows, encourage and advise. When a child dies, a grandparent is completely helpless. Nothing can be said or done to relieve the pain or lessen the suffering. To see a beloved child suffer in such a way can be incredibly painful for the grandparent.
Whether the child/parent turns to his or her parents for comfort or withdraws with a spouse or alone, the grief and pain of the grandparent is equally severe. He or she may feel useless and helpless, longing to do something, anything, to help, but unable to do anything. Support groups for child loss are generally for parents; it may or may not be appropriate to attend with your grandchild’s parent or parents. If you go by yourself, attending a more general bereavement group such as The Compassionate Friends or GriefShare may be more comfortable, since they cover a wider variety of losses.
The MISS Foundation's Alliance of Grandparents, A Support in Tragedy (formerly AGAST) is specifically for bereaved grandparents. AGAST merged with the MISS Foundation in 2007. The focus of MISS Foundation is pregnancy, infant and toddler loss, but MISS Foundation's Alliance of Grandparents, A Support in Tragedy reaches out to grandparents who have lost a grandchild of any age. They maintain a forum for grandparents only called The Grand Brigade, and send out packets of information to newly bereaved grandparents. To receive a bereavement packet, send MISS an email with the subject line, "AGAST Packet Request."
By finding support yourself, whether by yourself or with your child, you will be better able to support your grandchild’s parents with empathy, love and sensitivity. All anyone can do, after all, is to be there, to care, to pray, to love. Your compassionate presence standing alongside your child as you mourn together is the best support you can offer.
Further reading:
Grandma’s Tears: Comfort for Grieving Grandparents by June Cerza Kolf
Grieving Grandparents by Sherokee Ilse & Lori Leininger
Grandparents Cry Twice: Help for Bereaved Grandparents by Mary Lou Reed
When a Grandchild Dies: What to Do, What to Say, How to Cope by Nadine Galinsky
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