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Single mom dating: 7 "F"s for keeping your man
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Matchmaker Case Study:
Single Moms and The Power Shift
In my experiences as a matchmaker and dating coach I have created many successful matches for clients with women who understand the power shift and captured the man of their dreams by acknowledging his power and treating him with the dignity and respect he deserves. Jennifer is a single mom who understood that by treating her man like a king, by definition she was a queen. Her story underscores this.
Jennifer was a single mom who joined my candidate pool in hopes of meeting a man who was serious about finding a long term, committed relationship and financially secure. She knew that as a single mother, she needed both. She was a woman who understood the power shift and understood that by treating her man like a king, by definition she was a queen. She was eager to be introduced to one of my clients and was determined to break the cycle of madness that had become her choices for men in the past.
In Jennifer’s own words:
“In my 20’s I had two long-term relationships with men who I thought were really attractive and a lot of fun, but a constant heartbreak. I was never sure they were faithful to me, but they were artist types with a lot of cool, fun friends. -Maybe occasionally being unfaithful just came with the territory with dating men like that.
I was a loyal girl friend. Sure there were always men who were interested in me, but I was in long-term relationships and I always wanted to have a baby. At 28 I found myself pregnant and rather than get an abortion, which made the most sense, I decided to have it and hope for the best. I knew I could do it on my own if I had to. My baby boy was born when I was 29. By boyfriend and I struggled with our dysfunctional family for four years before we split up. I was about to turn 33. At the time I thought I was an old woman and would never have kids again. I spent the next 5 years in one, off and on, relationship with a guy who was a bohemian artist type, much like the past men that had been my pattern.
After he and I broke up I decided to make a different choice. I wanted the real thing, the really nice guy, and the big love. As a nurse, I heard my patients talk about the loves of their lives and I watched their spouses of 50 years come in and sit for hours holding hands, and I wanted that kind of deep, spiritual love. But what you think of as a really nice man and what you choose gets skewed because the really nice guys often present themselves in a way that isn’t appealing at first. You go into a relationship thinking you don’t care how attractive and macho the guy is, that you just want a really nice man, but then you have to put your money where you mouth is and choose the nice man.
Melinda, my matchmaker, introduced me to Grant when I was 37. Grant was a really nice, but shy guy, who had dated unsuccessfully for many years. He was soft-spoken, mild mannered, elegant, well educated, devoted to his family and wanted to have a baby. He was someone who wouldn’t have been appealing to me 10 years earlier but now I was trying to make smart choices. In the past, I fell for edgy, urban, hip, guys with lots of sexual tension and plenty of head games. Grant was the opposite of a hipster, but he was no diamond in the rough either. I was looking at love through a new set of lenses and decided after a couple of dates that if I wanted a stable man who would be a good step-dad to my son and who would be a faithful, loving and a respectful husband, than this was my guy. This is the guy my mom would want for me. I had never gone for those guys before but I was breaking my pattern. I was using my head this time. So I kept dating Grant and on our fifth date I thought to myself, I am going to fall in love with this man.
Before I met Grant I was dating a man who had a really big personality. He was urban, edgy, a smooth talker and charismatic, but something was a little shady about his sincerity. He was foreign and cultured, very progressive and interesting. All those pieces that women love. He had exotic sensibilities, was very educated and well spoken. You could imagine him at a wedding giving a big, booming toast, - such a presence. Grant, by contrast, had a much smaller personality and smaller presence, and didn’t have an urban edge. But in my mind, I was able to spin Grant in a way that was fresh, wholesome, and innocent to me. I could turn his qualities into an appealing thing. Grant was safe, loving and warm, and an easy person to love.
Grant and I married with in a year and I have a new baby. Because my husband is wealthy, we are able to take really nice vacations, own several vacation homes (we just bought one in Vale and have two in Mexico) and he is a terrific stepfather to my older son and provider. He is shyer than I am sexually, but I can take the lead and be all sexy and talk raunchy to him and he eats it up. That puts me in a position of power again because he is shy and I can be coquettish and it turns him on. My philosophy is to be cute, playful, and young at heart. Even If I don’t feel like having sex I will make it the forefront of our relationship, even if I am tired. I just had a new baby so sometimes I am tired, but sex is what keeps you connected, so I try. It is fun. I talk about what we will do later on and it makes his smile and squirm.
The most important thing to keeping your man happy is you have to stay fit, healthy and be a hottie. Men think women in their 40s are hot. That doesn’t mean trashy. -Not that playboy thing. Just cute jeans and a t-shirt will do, but I wear lipstick in the evening when he gets home. I don’t walk around in sweat pants. I try. It is not like a slumber party. You are applying for the job every day. You don’t just sit back and say, I got the job. You can lose him at any time. People get divorced all the time. You keep the spirit and the excitement going.
Also, there is something to be said about a 10 year spread. Unless you are over 33 you’re probably not in that start-a-family phase. I decided in my mid 30s that if I wanted a guy with financial maturity, a spread in years would behoove me. A guy in his late 40s knows that, as a package, his financial health is one of his appeals. A guy who is financially successful has access to a broad range of ages and may easily go 10 to 15 years younger.
My advice to single women in my shoes, women with kids, is to look where you don’t normally look. I used to say that I wanted a loving man. I wanted the real deal. But if I had turned Grant away then I wouldn’t have been genuine. I would have been saying, no, to a really great catch.”
-Jennifer, Matchmaking Candidate
The Seven “F”s For Keeping Your Man?
1. Fun: Be fun. Youthful is equates fun, which explains why people are attracted to youth.
2. Friend: Be his friend. Do things with him that he enjoys. Be a good listener and companion.
3. Forgive: Forgive each other for mistakes. Don't hold a grudge or give the silent treatment. After all, we are all human. We all make mistakes.
4. Fascinate: Be fascinating. Have outside interests so that you don't become bored, and boring.
5. Faithful: Be Faithful. He may want others to want you, but he doesn't want them to have you behind his back.
6. Fit: Stay fit. Men are visual, and they want hot. It doesn’t mean big isn’t beautiful, but if you weren’t big when he fell in love with you don’t get big later.
7. The most famous "F" of all: Do that one all the time!
For more information contact Melinda Maximova, matchmaker with Perfect Search melinda@theperfectsearch.com
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