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So not apologetic
The month of September is traditionally a time for Jews to reflect on the past year, while frantically getting their schedules in order for the High Holidays. It is also a time to set right any past wrongs we have committed, apologize, and in turn let go of any real or perceived wrongs committed by others. In short, we try to wipe the slate clean for the New Year.
Cue the confusion.
“I’m not sorry,” my son says, “because I didn’t do anything bad.”
First of all, this is not true. He did plenty of bad things, although I have to admit, in the grand scheme of things (war, famine, and stock market fraud) he’s as innocent as they come.
Still, learning the art of apologizing –and it is an art- isn’t a bad step in becoming a more responsible child. Thus we practice. And practice. And then we practice some more.
Mendel is assisting us by providing some heinous behavior, so he has something to apologize for. Lately, screaming-just-for-fun tops the list; he also still clings to spreading toothpaste on every available surface (plants, the wall, my clothes), and ruining his sister’s life. Those are all things that warrant apologizing; Isabella reminds him every five minutes or so to take care of that.
The problem is, he really isn’t sorry, so would we expect him to say it when he doesn’t mean it, just so that he can get into the habit? I decide to leave it alone for a while.
The minute I stop prompting him, he starts saying sorry. Except, now he does it on his terms. “I am sorry” is no longer an apology: it is an admission of guilt. Or maybe he just wants pre-emptive forgiveness, as If I would ever fall for that. And so, our conversations go like this:
“I’m sorry, mom!”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry.”
“I know you did something. What is it?”
“Are you angry?”
“No; not yet. I can’t know until I find out what you did.”
“I’m sorry. I love you.”
“I love you too. What did you do???”
“Nothing. I did nothing.”
What complicates the matter is that often I don’t find out what he did until hours later, at which point he’s moved on. He’ll shrug as if to say, oh that? That was light years ago. Why are you still talking about it? I already said I was sorry. Get over it, would you?
I guess I will, eventually. After all, it’s that time of year.
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