The bathroom chronicles

July 23, 9:56 AMParenting Humor ExaminerAnnette van de Kamp

Then something happened. Maybe I bragged about him too much, maybe my Karma hit the tipping point; suddenly, I found myself saying things like: “Mendel, not again”, and “for the fifteenth time, knock it off,” and, of course, the popular-but-useless cry of parents everywhere: “Why?”

Why indeed. Over the past two weeks, I have cleaned toothpaste from the trashcan, the floor, the sink, the mirror, the toilet, and the cabinets. I have swept up the contents of the paper shredder, which were spread all over my husband’s office. I have swept up an entire box of carpet powder, I have opened the fridge to find puddles of orange juice, egg, and coca cola. I have found shampoo bottles mysteriously empty, discovered very strange substances inside my contact lens box, and pulled more than fifty wet wipes from the bathroom drain. Toilet paper is unrolled, mouthwash disappears, and hand soap: forget about it.

If you think I’m exaggerating: not this time. This morning he emptied an entire bottle of shampoo on the bathroom floor, which for reasons unknown to me is carpeted. By the previous owner, I might add. Who –I’m guessing- didn’t have kids. I attempted to clean it up, while Mendel squirted half a bottle of lotion on the floor of the downstairs bathroom (he’s nothing if not thorough). I finally became so frustrated, I ripped the carpet out. Part of the wallpaper was already missing, so I decided that I might as well redo the whole bathroom.

Maybe you think I don’t watch my child closely enough. The thing is, less than a month ago, I would have thought the same. I cannot believe how incredible fast this child is, how quiet, how deadly-sneaky, when it comes to finding anything bathroom related that can be spilled, emptied, or smeared. We know by now the paper shredder was a fluke, the exception that proves the rule: Mendel has Hygiene Product Disorder. It’s a brand new diagnosis, invented just for him.

There is an upside to all this: I’m installing a nice new bathroom floor next week, and because you can’t possibly lock everything up, I’ve been forced to downsize in the bathroom department. No more endless rows of bottles with god-knows-what cluttering the vanity, which makes it much easier to keep things organized.

Maybe that’s what he’s been trying to teach us all along: we need to simplify. Now, why couldn’t he just tell us that? With words?

 For more info on childproofing your home, check out ehow, or Baby center. if you liked this article, you may also like Bad behavior and repeat offenders