Add to favorites Examiner Bio

Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2007 NFL Draft (pt.2)

For part one of the 2007 NFL Draft Day timeline, click here. 

 

12:40 p.m. - Michael Vick gets a text message about his team's draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.

12:46 p.m. - ESPN shows a graphic of the Dolphins starting quarterbacks since the retirement of Dan Marino, including several players so obscure, Chris Berman does not have a joke for them.

12:51 p.m. - Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.

12:52 p.m. - A rare moment of unity is observed, as the Dolphins select receiver Ted Ginn instead of Quinn, and every sports fan in America loses their mind.

1:05 p.m. - Houston drafts defensive tackle nineteen year-old Amobi Okoye, who entered college as a sixteen year-old. How smart is Okoye? Last year, he performed scientific experiments to statistically prove that if the Houston Texans did not draft Reggie Bush, they'd feel stupid about it for years.

1:07 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss the admission of several highly ranked players in this draft have smoked marijuana in college. They also discuss the equally relevant possibilities that some of the players have tasted alcohol, skipped class, or seen R-rated movies.

1:14 p.m. - ESPN's Suzy Kolber reveals that Brady Quinn has been taken away by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to a private suite, away from the television cameras broadcasting his disappointment.

1:15 p.m. - ESPN analysts Chris Berman and the frighteningly taut Steve Young both say that removing Quinn is "exactly the right thing to do," in spite of the fact that a) the only cameras broadcasting his sorrow belong to ESPN, and b) they just finished showing us a two-minute highlight reel of previously disappointed quarterbacks and their long, agonizing waits in front of a worldwide audience.

1:44 p.m. - New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.

2:12 p.m. - ESPN spends two interview segments and ten minutes talking about how good Brady Quinn is, leading me to wonder why they don't just give him a job.

2:18 p.m. - A mere three hours and seventeen minutes into the draft, Chris Berman announces that we're halfway done with the first round.

2:48 p.m. - We get back-to-back selections from the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, who have to hope that at no point next week their selections both get high and shoot each other in a nightclub.

3:17 p.m. - Dallas Cowboys owner and riverboat gambler Jerry T. Jones, millionaire, swaps up a deal with Cleveland. The Browns get the pick to finally select quarterback Brady Quinn. Jones gets next year's pick from Cleveland, a second-round pick, an assistant coach, a '99 Ford Explorer, and two passes to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

3:25 p.m. - ESPN analysts talk about what a great story the ongoing torment of Brady Quinn has been, and how happy everybody is to see him drafted and on his way to a successful career. Everyone except Miami Dolphins fans, of course.

4:01 p.m. - Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.

4:17 p.m. - The Saints choose 29th, after showing last year how a team could turn their season around by selecting the right quarterback in free agency and making the right first draft pick. Sadly, the Dolphins and Texans aren't paying attention, choosing instead to use this time to vote for their favorite "American Idol" contestants.

5:20 p.m. - The first round ends with a running time of six hours and twenty minutes, which causes it to run into the pregame coverage of Super Bowl XLII.

5:15 p.m. - ESPN announces former third pick, can't-miss-franchise-quarterback Akili Smith has just signed a contract to play in the CFL, thus reminding football fans everywhere that as much fun as today is, nothing is guaranteed.

 

More Draft Day mayhem:
2008 NFL Draft (Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco) timeline, click here. 
2006 NFL Draft (Vince Young, Reggie Bush) timeline, click here.  
2005 NFL Draft (Alex Smith, Pacman Jones) timeline, click here.  
2004 NFL Draft (Eli Manning, Larry Fitzgerald) timeline, click here.  
2003 NFL Draft (Carson Palmer, Charles Rogers) timeline, click here.  
2002 NFL Draft (David Carr, Joey Harrington) timeline, click here.
2001 NFL Draft (Michael Vick, LT, Philip Rivers) timeline, click here.  
2000 NFL Draft (Courtney Brown, Sebastian Janikowski) timeline, click here.
1999 NFL Draft (Ricky Williams, Donovan McNabb) timeline, click here.