Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2007 NFL Draft

April 22, 11:50 PMNFL ExaminerReid Kerr

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Looking Back With Sarcasm: For the next two weeks, every day we'll take a look back at the NFL Drafts of the past ten years. These timelines were written as the draft occurred, and are printed here, warts and all.

2007 was the year that everybody wanted Brady Quinn, and yet he still sat there for hours. The Raiders drafted the quarterback of the future, and the Lions drafted, well, another wide receiver. 

The NFL Draft Day timeline, 2007: 

7:00 a.m., Central Standard Time - Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, finishes his ranking of Tom Brady's unborn fetus as one of the "Top Draft Prospects of 2029," and leaves for work.

11:00 a.m. - ESPN's coverage begins. NFL Commissioner and disciplinarian Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the 2007 NFL Draft. Then he warns the Jets fans that if they get too rowdy, he'll "come down there and break some fingers."

11:08 a.m. - New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush appears in a commercial mocking the Houston Texans for not picking him first last year. You get the feeling this will be a theme until Bush reaches the Hall of Fame or the Texans reach the playoffs, whichever comes first.

11:11 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates they were 32nd in the league last season in offense, and their key offseason loss was quarterback Aaron Brooks. How is that a bad thing? Seems like a good thing to me. The Raiders could have dragged George Blanda out of retirement and stuck him under center, and not finished any worse in the league than 32nd.

11:12 a.m. - ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game "Tecmo Bowl."

11:17 a.m. - ESPN shows footage of prospect JaMarcus Russell throwing a football 64 yards while on his knees, as if that's something football fans care about, and the NFL is some kind of Jackass-meets-Punt, Pass, and Kick league.

11:18 a.m. - We get our first camera shot of ESPN analyst Steve Young, who appears to either have had a face lift, or had some scientific experiment to take all the moisture out of his body.

11:20 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders select quarterback JaMarcus Russell. ESPN points out Raiders owner Al Davis admitted not taking quarterback Matt Leinart last year has set the Raiders back for years. And if anybody knows anything about setting the Raiders back for years, it's Al Davis.

11:31 a.m. - Detroit does what Detroit does, which is draft a wide receiver. The Lions have used their first pick on receivers three of the last four years, netting an entire 1401 yards out of those picks last season. General manager Matt Millen makes worse decisions than a drunken sorority girl.

11:41 a.m. - Steve Young describes the Browns upcoming pick of quarterback Brady Quinn as "making a huge statement."

11:42 a.m. - Cleveland selects offensive tackle Joe Thomas instead, leading Browns fans to make the huge statement of "@$%^@!".

11:47 a.m. - While talking about the quarterback's status, somehow the ESPN analysts find themselves in a discussion about what Brady Quinn looks like with his shirt off. Awkward silence ensues.

11:51 a.m. - Discussing Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden's distrust of quarterbacks, the ESPN analysts refer to Rich Gannon as the only quarterback Gruden has ever "been in love with." Again, a moment of realization and awkward silence.

11:54 a.m. - Tampa Bay picks defensive end Gaines Adams, thus mercifully ending the Queer As Folk portion of the NFL Draft.

12:07 p.m. - In an obvious attempt to keep last year's top pick Matt Leinart conscious, the Arizona Cardinals pick lineman Levi Brown.

12:28 p.m. - Minnesota drafts Adrian Peterson to replace their stable of well known running backs they've used in the last few years, including that guy with the funny name, whatsisname that can't stay healthy, and that dude with the whizzinator.

12:29 p.m. - With Atlanta on the clock, ESPN treats it as a foregone conclusion that Brady Quinn will go with the following pick to Miami after the Dolphins two quarterbacks they picked up last year both failed horribly.

12:39 p.m. - The Falcons select Jamaal Anderson, which briefly reminds NFL fans that once upon a time, long long ago, Atlanta actually did play in a Super Bowl with a guy named Jamal Anderson running the ball for them. And...dancing, perhaps? No one seems sure.

12:40 p.m. - Michael Vick gets a text message about his team's draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.