Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2003 NFL Draft

April 19, 11:29 PMNFL ExaminerReid Kerr

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Looking Back With Sarcasm: For the next two weeks, every day we'll take a look back at the NFL Drafts of the past ten years. These timelines were written as the draft occurred, and are printed here, warts and all.

Four of the top seven picks in this draft never even made a Pro Bowl. Worse yet, one of them was Charles Rogers.

The NFL Draft Day timeline, 2003: 

Tuesday, April 22, 2003: Mel Kiper Draft Expert finishes his column examining the diluted urine of Charles Rogers, comparing it to the urine samples of every top ten wide receiver from the last ten years.

Wednesday: The Cincinnati Bengals, who've been on the clock since last September, come to terms with USC QB Carson Palmer on a contract similar to Akili Smith's. This means Palmer gets a back-loaded deal that calls for him to begin his rookie year on the bench, then be jammed into the starting lineup later in a fit of panic, thus ruining his confidence and sending the Bengals back into the draft for a QB again in 2007.

Friday: The New York Jets trade their two first round picks for Chicago's pick. Jets fans are immediately called to full alert to begin booing. Chicago plans to select two disappointing first-round draft picks instead of one.

Saturday, 11:01am - ESPN begins their broadcast, featuring live coverage and analysts from ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN.com, ESPN Radio, ESPN Classic, ESPN the Breakfast Cereal, and the ESPN Political Caucus.

11:07am - The Oakland Raiders sue Mel Kiper Draft Expert for copyright infringement, claiming the tar-like substance in his hair is too similar to the stickum used by Raiders DB Lester Hayes.

11:09am - The Bengals officially draft Palmer, making him the fifth quarterback on their roster who's not ready to start an NFL game.

11:10am - The Detroit Lions go on the clock. When one of their scouts suggests deciding their pick with a "coin flip," Matt Millen punches him in the throat.

11:12am - In an interview, Palmer refers to current Bengals QB Jon Kitna as a "great quarterback." Mel Kiper Draft Expert immediately points out Palmer will need to improve his reads.

11:13am - Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis is interviewed. He seems to be ready for Cincinnati's season, because he does not smile during the entire exchange.

11:17am - ESPN shows the Detroit Lions draft party at the Silverdome, where thousands of Lions fans are officially giving up on the Tigers.

11:18am - The Lions pick WR Charles Rogers. Chris Mortenson personally analyzes Rogers' urine sample, and pronounces him free of drugs, steroids, SARS, and Dutch Elm Disease.

11:20am - Dennis Green describes Rogers as a "home run hitter." Again, Tigers fans have no idea what he's talking about.

11:27am - The Houston Texans select Miami WR Andre Johnson. Chris Mortenson describes Johnson as a cross between David Boston and Terrell Owens. This paints him as a big, strong receiver who's not afraid to go over the middle, drive drunk, or celebrate excessively.

11:30am - ESPN goes to Merrill Hoge, who has apparently lost a bet and been forced to dress as Dr. Evil.

11:31am - Chris Berman says with a straight face the Jets crowd is "buzzing." The Jets pick Dewayne Robertson, DT from Kentucky. Jets fans cheer, proving conclusively that they are drunk.

11:32am - The Washington Redskins attempt to sign Robertson to an offer sheet.

11:36am - Commercials announce Jim Rome is returning to ESPN. A rider in Rome's new contract prevents anyone from making Jim Everett jokes.

11:40am - Dallas Cowboys pick Terence Newman, a cornerback from Kansas State who is sitting in the crowd with a cell phone stuck in his ear. Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentally makes a note to fine Newman.

11:41pm - In celebration of their draft pick, Cowboys fans in Dallas overturn and destroy a statue of Mel Kiper Draft Expert.