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Looking Back With Sarcasm: The 2000 NFL Draft

This draft is famous for its 199th pick, where New England took Tom Brady. This draft should also be infamous for its first round, and the horrendous wide receivers taken there. Even if he goes to prison, Plaxico Burress looks like the only emerald in a mountain of coal when you put him up against Peter Warrick, R. Jay Soward, and Sylvester Morris.

The NFL Draft Day timeline, 2000:

Saturday, 6:30am, Central Standard Time: Mel Kiper, draft expert, walks out onto his front porch, where his newspaper delivery boy throws his morning paper at his feet. Kiper makes a mental note to downgrade the lad on his Draft Board for 2009.

 

11:00am: The television coverage begins on ESPN, as the Cleveland Browns go on the clock. In spite of basically being "on the clock" since October of last season, it still takes them ten minutes to select defensive lineman Courtney Brown of Penn State. Penn State fans everywhere cheer at producing the first draft pick for the first time since 1995. Somewhere, Ki-Jana Carter trips over a black cat and falls through a mirror.

11:15am: The Washington Redskins draft the next two players, giving the NFC East Division Champions two impact players for this coming season. In the Redskins War Room, Skins owner Daniel Snyder informs head coach Norv Turner that Norv is now on the clock.

11:45am: A pizza delivery boy arrives, calling out that he's got a large hamburger and anchovy for "Mel Kiper, draft expert." Kiper asks the boy to repeat that loudly, then tips the guy twenty bucks.

12:25pm: Chicago has the ninth pick, and announces that they'd like to use a lifeline.

12:45pm: ESPN's coverage shifts to San Francisco, where after much analysis, reporter Sean Salisbury is finally able to identify the 49ers display jerseys on the broadcast set.

1:00pm: The New York Jets are frustrated because they cannot trade Tampa Bay's first round picks they acquired for Keyshawn Johnson to move up and draft a receiver. Amazingly enough, Tampa Bay is not at all surprised by this, since that's why they traded them for Keyshawn in the first place.

1:25pm: Jets fans in attendance at the draft are treated to their second-favorite occurrence, as the Jets make the expected pick of defensive lineman Shaun Ellis. Jets fans cheer. The Jets fans are then treated to their favorite occurrence, as the Jets use the very next pick on someone Jets fans weren't expecting to be drafted so high. Jets fans look at the television cameras and scream cries of disgust.

1:45pm: Green Bay drafts tight end Bubba Franks as a possible replacement to Mark Chmura, thus providing protection to Bret Favre and also to babysitters everywhere.