Can I ask for cash instead of wedding gifts?

May 22, 12:24 AMWedding and Marriage ExaminerElizabeth Oakes

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                    She wants her money.

Can you ask for cash as a wedding gift?  Short answer: NO.

Why not?  Long answer: because etiquette dictates you’re not supposed to ask for ANY gifts ever, no matter what the occasion--birthday, wedding, or anniversary.  It is inhospitable to make your guests feel like they must buy you something (or worse, give you cash) in order to be admitted to your glorious presence.

However, ever since the incursion of department-store marketing into the bridal industry and the normalization of gift registries, people seem to have forgotten this basic principle of hospitailty and don’t recall that a party of any kind--much less a wedding--should never be suffused with an ulterior motive of material gain.

It's true that in some cultures--Chinese, Eastern European, Russian, Italian, and others--cash is often the only expected wedding gift (in fact, in olden days, certain classes of Scottish wedding guests were expected to pay a little something to cover the costs of the wedding, and those who skirted paying were contemptuously called "whistlebinkies.")

But sorry--just because other couples come from a culture where gifts of money are automatic, it doesn’t mean you're entitled to ask for them too.  If you dare to, you're going to run up against the strong ambivalence Americans have about being asked for cash wedding gifts.

Why this ambivalence?  Because our culture is torn between two polarized schools of thinking about weddings: the "Traditionalist" school, which values and slavishly adheres to old-fashioned wedding mores and practices (whether they are relevant anymore or not), and the "It’s My Wedding And I Can Do Whatever I Want To" school, which loudly proclaims it doesn't care if anyone is offended by the wedding plans, and only the demands of the couple really matter.

To the Traditionalist, it is irrevocably rude to mention gifts of any kind--unless you do it through the accepted back-door method, where registry information is “tactfully” disseminated via relatives and friends.  Overtly mentioning gifts in an invitation is just plain gauche--it is simply not done---and asking for cash, even the back-door way, will horribly offend a Traditionalist.

According to the “It’s My Wedding" school, you can pretty much throw hospitality to the wind and ask for cash (and you’ll probably receive at least some) but you risk being forever pegged as tacky by your friends and family, even as they comply.

Culturally, the messages about monetary wedding gifts are changing.  Giving cash as a wedding gift used to be considered too “impersonal,” but these days many groups are hip to giving cash or gift cards--now considered a more “useful” gift than a china place setting or pickle dish--and some folks really would prefer to write you a check rather than go shopping.  I do see "wishing wells" frequently on gift tables and people seem to know what they are for, but you may still have guests that will be appalled and you’ll probably end up with a stack of more conventional gifts next to your envelope repository.

In my professional opinion, part of your job as a bride and groom is to set the precedent for your lives together by graciously receiving your guests AND whatever tribute they choose to bring (if any.) So Aunt Bertha’s handmade pot-holder set--though perhaps too quaint for your modern stainless-steel design kitchen--are received with the same enthusiasm and recognition for their true value, i.e. the love and approval they represent, as the big ribbon-wrapped wad of wedding Benjamins.

It might be worth a moment here to ponder that there may be a deeper, unspoken conflict that really drives the ambivalence about wedding gifts, too taboo for most etiquette guides to mention: how your request will be received really boils down to whether or not the individuals you're asking are cash-solvent.

People who are financially comfortable are going to have less of a problem with cash requests.  People who are strapped will feel burdened, pressured, and resentful about it whether they admit it or not.  They may blame their discomfort on your "rudeness," and maybe they’re right--in an economy when a record number of people have lost their jobs, homes, can’t pay off their credit debt, and are struggling to pay for health insurance for themselves and their kids, attempting to solve your personal financial shortfall on the backs of economically-burdened guests is not only tactless, it’s thoughtless and cruel. 

So Emily Post and I say “NO” to requesting cash, but take heart if you’re moping: Elise MacAdam (author of “Something New,” a pretty good wedding etiquette book for modern times) and others say you can ask for cash if you do it through the same back-door methods by which people once made their gift preferences known.

And if you’re one of the few who really, really don’t want gifts at all for spiritual, ethical, or environmental reasons, you can check out my website TheGiftAlreadyGiven.com, which gives you some ideas about how to tactfully request no gifts (also a no-no according to etiquette books.)

So with so much disagreement about whether you can request cash, how do you decide what to do?  It boils down to whether or not you think a cash request will be well-tolerated by your guests, and whether your reputation will survive allegations of tackiness.  Do what thou wilt, but think thou carefully about it first. Tacky is as tacky does.

Finally: equating love and money is bad mojo for any relationship, but especially so in a married household.  Be mindful that the wedding gift, whatever it is, is a material sign of the giver’s support for your union.  Please remember to be grateful for the loving hands that made those potholders, even if the potholders themselves end up on Ebay.

Until next time, a sweet and long life to you all.

National Wedding and Marriage Examiner Elizabeth Oakes welcomes your feedback at weddingexaminer@gmail.com; you can easily share this story or subscribe by clicking on the buttons at the top of this column, or read more of Elizabeth's stories by clicking here. 

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