I'm an atheist, no matter what Beliefnet says

March 5, 1:42 PMSecularism ExaminerPaul Fidalgo

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Unless you've just wandered onto the Web this morning for the first time, it's likely that you have already tried out Beliefnet's "Belief-O-Matic," a brief quiz that tries to align you with various faiths. Answer questions in a certain way concerning your feelings about God, morality, salvation, etc., and the Belief-O-Matic gives you a "compatibility score" with a pretty thorough list of religions. Answer a lot of questions that square with Catholic dogma, for example, you'll probably get a high compatibility score with Catholicism, and maybe some medium-high scores with other Christian sects. Think of it as eHarmony for supernatural relationships.

So imagine my surprise when I took the quiz today, for the first time in years, and found my scores as such (I'll just show the top five):
 

1. Secular Humanism (100%)

2. Unitarian Universalism (92%)

3. Nontheist (78%)

4. Liberal Quakers (76%)

5. Theravada Buddhism (71%)

Now wait a darned minute. I am happy to be aligned with secular humanists, and the UU's are just fine (my mom and stepfather are both Unitarians, though I certainly am not). But look at number 3. Nontheist only 78 percent???

You see, when people ask, I say I am an atheist. There's lots of consternation in the nonreligious world about what the heck we should all be calling ourselves, and as Sam Harris reminds us, we don't waste time on words like "non-astrologers" or "a-unicornists." But to make things as clear as I can, I always mean to communicate that I believe in nothing supernatural, nothing spiritual, with no deities, no benign conscious cosmic force, or anything of the like. I am an atheist. Nontheist? Fine.

So why only 78 percent? Did I miss a question? Did I accidentally imply that I think there might be elves in Icelandic smelting plants? What could have made the 'O-Matic doubt my doubt?

The keys, I think, lay in two places: The moral portions of the quiz and the available theological answers.

First, the quiz asks you a few questions about what you see as important for living a good life. Some answer choices include lots of goddy and spirity language, but there were plenty of secular options as well. Additionally, once you've chosen your answer (perhaps something akin to -- and I'm paraphrasing -- "homosexuality should not be considered a sin or a crime") you then give the answer weight, rating it from high to low in "importance." On questions about actively seeking equality among all humans, I rated my responses as "high." That might explain the results' emphasis on secular humanism and Unitarianism.

But I also rated my responses at the beginning of the quiz, those on matter-of-fact God-belief, as high. I can see why that's all well and good for numbers 1 and 2, but how could raw nontheism have dropped so low? Here's what I think.

Take a look at the actual options for questions on theistic belief: 

Q1. What is the number and nature of the deity (God, gods, higher power)? Choose one.

• Only one God--a corporeal spirit (has a body), supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.

• Only one God--an incorporeal (no body) spirit, supreme, personal God Almighty, the Creator.

• Multiple personal gods (or goddesses) regarded as facets of one God, and/or as separate gods.

• The supreme force is the impersonal Ultimate Reality (or life force, ultimate truth, cosmic order, absolute bliss, universal soul), which resides within and/or beyond all.

• The supreme existence is both the eternal, impersonal, formless Ultimate Reality, and personal God (or gods).

• No God or supreme force. Or not sure. Or not important.

• None of the above.

Hello! Catch the nontheist option? "No God or supreme force. Or not sure. Or not important." The quiz, while giving lots of opportunities to weigh the importance of one's responses, haphazardly lumps three very different options into one. If I were to paraphrase, the only option I had was, "Hell no, that's ridiculous, and I'm not ready to commit to that statement, and I don't even care so leave me alone."

But I am sure -- as sure as a human being can be, always allowing for new evidence. I am sure that there are no gods or supernatural forces of any kind. I am sure, and -- this is key -- I think it is important. I think whether or not I and the rest of my species decides to subjugate itself to or rely upon the whims of unsubstantiated myths and fairy tales is of existentially dire significance, and is in no way in the same ballpark -- not even the same galaxy -- as attitudes of equivocation or apathy.

The first five questions of the quiz go this same way. A supernatural proposition is offered, and the nonbeliever has nowhere to go but to the muddy no/maybe/kinda option. This, I think, probably explains why "nontheism" dropped to the 70s in my compatibility score. And I know it's all for fun, not to be taken too seriously, but I think it's indicative of how atheists are not distinguished in the minds of most Americans, whether they mix us up with Satanists and criminals, or lump us in with the "spiritual nonreligious." Sometimes we fall into that trap ourselves!

So no offense to the Unitarians, but on this eHarmony date, I don't care what the test score says. I'm going stag.