'The View' on Adam Lambert: Should parents ask their children if they're gay?

June 18, 5:58 PMInternational LGBT Issues ExaminerKelvin Lynch

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Responding to Adam Lambert's coming out in Rolling Stone, the ladies of "The View" discussed whether or not parents should ask their children if they are gay.  Whoopie Goldberg said Lambert's parents suspected he was gay when he was a child, but took the advice of a gay friend and waited for Adam to tell them himself.  They asked the important question, "Should parents ask their children if they are gay?"

I didn't accept the fact that I was gay and come out until I was in my early 20's, even though as a child I was effiminate, sucked at sports, and preferred hanging out with girls talking about boys, makeup and clothes.  I liked going to the salon and having my hair dyed different colors, reading the fashion magazines and gossiping with the beautician.  It's amazing how much self-denial a teenager can muster.

Once I did accept being gay, I was horrified my parents would find out.  They never brought up the subject with me when I was younger.  The only family member who did was an aunt, who told me, "You know, if you or your brother or cousin was gay, it wouldn't make any difference at all to me.  I would love you just as much."  I got a little defensive when she said it, but looking back, I realized those were the words I had been waiting to hear my whole life.  

It took me several years after coming out to tell my family.  The first person I told was my mother.  She seemed a little taken aback at first, but she told me she had suspected it since I was about 14 years old when she found condoms in a buddy's backpack who was sleeping over.  I laughed and told her that my buddy was straight as an arrow and nothing ever happened between us, and she seemed relieved to know that I didn't have sex in my teens.

After we talked about it and it had time to sink in, it felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my chest.  My mother told me it made no difference to her that I was gay, that she loved me no matter what.  I told her it would have been nice to have known that years earlier!  She said, "Well, I just didn't know if I should have said anything.  I didn't know if I wanted to say anything, or how you would react to it."

My father is a different story.  We haven't spoken in years because he can't accept the fact that I'm gay and I've been in a loving, committed relationship for 15 years.  He refuses to be in the same room as my partner.  It's a tough choice to make between your own father and the person you love.

My advice to parents who suspect their child is gay is to let them know early on how you feel.  If you will love your child no matter what his or her sexual orientation, tell them.  They need to hear that.  You don't have to come right out and ask your children if they are gay - they may not know for sure or aren't ready to accept it.  Just say something, anything, so that your child knows your love is unconditional.  Tell them what my aunt told me.

If, on the other hand, you refuse to love a gay child, keep your mouth shut about it.  It's your problem, not theirs.  Don't think you can scare or bully the gay out of a child.  You will do nothing but harm them for the rest of their lives.  Treat them with respect even if you don't understand or approve of their sexual orientation.  Calling them names or forcing them into therapy will make them hate you forever.  Being gay is not a mental illness that needs curing.  Don't be like my father and make your child choose between you and happiness.

After all, your child could grow up to be the next Adam Lambert.

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