Stephen Colbert debates himself on DADT (video)

June 15, 7:18 AMInternational LGBT Issues ExaminerKelvin Lynch

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Photo:  Comedy Central

It was Stephen Colbert vs.Stephen Colbert debating the military's 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy during a taping of the show with active duty troops in Iraq

The newly-shaved-head comedian had the soldiers in stitches.  The unabashedly egomaniacal Colbert said his only formidable opponent to debate the issue was himself.

Wearing a specially designed army fatigue dress suit, Colbert referred to being angered by the recent dischargr of Arabic translator Lt. Dan Choi before launching into an extended riff on DADT.

Stephen is a master debater, especially with himself.

Here's how it went down:

Colbert 1: (holding up a muffler he said was meant to be a gun purchase) "There was a little mix-up  - my Arabic translater was kicked out under Don't Ask Don't Tell."

Colbert 2:  "Another Arabic translator?  That makes 59 in the last 5 years!"

Colbert 1:  "Hey, that's the way the military career crumbles.  I'm not happy about it, but it's not my responsibility, and it's not the military's responsibility.  It is Washington's responsibility. This is a political decision."

Colbert 2:  "But in the meantime, people like Lt. Col. Victor Ferenbach are being discharged, after serving 18 years in the Air Force, even though he has 9 Air Medals including one for Valor."

Colbert 1:  "Yeah, but he got those medals before he was gay. We have no idea how he would fly now."

Colbert 2:  "Well the idea that openly gay service members hurts morale makes no sense to me."

Colbert 1:  "Ooooh, it makes no sense to YOU.  Have you served in the military?"

Colbert 2:  "No, but I've been to Camp Victory."

Colbert 1:  "Hey, I've been to the circus but I don't tell bears how to ride bikes. The military depends on unit cohesiveness and maintaining focus on the mission."

Colbert 2:  "But how would someone being gay affect that?"

Colbert 1:  "Imagine one of us is gay, and  ... problem solved."

Colbert 2:  "What problem?"

Colbert 1:  "I don't know, do you have a problem?"

Colbert 2:  "What are you asking me?"

Colbert 1:  "I'm not asking you anything.  Are you telling me something?"

Colbert 2:  "No."

Colbert 1:  "Good."

Colbert 2:  "Good."

Colbert 1:  "See how cohesive we are now?  All because I don't know that you're gay."

Colbert 2:  "I'm not gay!"

Colbert 1:  "(putting fingers over ears) Don't tell me!"

Colbert 2:  "Fine.  But how could it hurt a military mission?"

Colbert 1:  "Consider this scenario. We're a team on a secret mission into enemy territory.  North Korea."

Colbert 2:  "Oooh, commando stuff.  Black ops.  Rasberry berets."

Colbert 1:  "Yes.  Under cover of darkness we sneak through a building full of sleeping guards. As we complete the mission, you turn to me and say, 'for the record, I'm gay'".

Colbert 2:  "I'M NOT GAY!"

Colbert 1: "SSHHH!!! NOW YOU WOKE UP THE GUARDS!"

Colbert 2:  "NOOOOOO!!!"

Colbert 1:  (making machine gun sounds) Get the Americans!"

Colbert 2:  "I TAKE IT BACK!"

Colbert 1:  "Too late.  We're captured and forced to do show tunes for Kim Jong Il."

Here's the video: