Dear Madonna, Please stop riding horses.

April 21, 2:13 AMInternational LGBT Issues ExaminerKelvin Lynch

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Madonna,

I've been a fan since you rolled around on the floor wearing a pink wig on "Solid Gold" in the early 80's. You made yourself the biggest star in the world, critics be damned.  

I've been religiously devoted to you all these years.  You came out early on as bisexual and got yourself a Big Gay Following (BGF). 

Your music and videos got me through the torture of high school, college, and all my awkward love life problems in my 20's. You have always been my inspiration. 

I have a huge Madonna playlist on my iPod, every song you've ever made.  When I'm feeling lazy, I remind myself what an inspiration you are with your superhero workouts, and how great you look at 50.  Girl, I just saw you live in concert and I was blown away by your amazing energy!

I just have one small suggestion, M., and I mean this with the utmost respect -

I think you should stay off the horses. 

This is the second time you've been thrown from a horse.  Remember what happened in England in 2005?  You fractured some ribs, your hand, and your collarbone.  That was a close call.  The equine opening theme of your 2006 "Confessions" tour was not lost on me.  I totally got it - get back up on that horse, don't let it beat you.

But now it's happened again, this time in the Hamptons.  Another damned tumble off a horse.  Luckily, you just had some minor injuries, but you could have broken your neck for chrissakes!

Your publicist Liz Rosenburg said the horse was startled by paparazzi, but the one cameraman who was there said he wasn't even around when it happened. 

No matter, really.  My point is, I love you and I want you to stay around for a while. This was your second warning with the horses.  Maybe it's time to take the hint?  As the shop teacher reminded the boys on a vintage "South Park" episode, stop screwing around.

There are some things you are really good at - making music, performing in large arenas, changing personas, self-promotion, and being an icon.

Other things, like the movie biz, are just not for you, honey.   Remember "Dick Tracy", "Who's That Girl?", "Shanghai Surprise", "Body of Evidence", and "Swept Away"?  All stinkers. 

You were good in "Desperately Seeking Susan" and "Evita". You even won a Golden Globe for the latter. But let's be honest, everyone wins Golden Globes.  They're in the same league as the Emmys or the People's Choice Awards. And you were really just playing yourself (at the time) in "Susan".  Not much of a stretch.

Your directorial efforts haven't met with much success, either.  "Filth and Wisdom" was more filth than wisdom.  The documentary about Malawi was touching, though.

Anyway, the next time you get the urge to ride something, hop on your hot little boy toy, Jesus Luz.  I would, in a New York minute. I mean, just look at him:

Gorgeous.  Whip him and call him Seabiscuit if you want.  Whatever keeps you off that horse.

Everyone knows you have an iron will and you're determined to do whatever the hell you want to do.  But please, for the sake of your fans, think about staying off the horses.  Pet them or comb their hair or file down their hooves.  Hang out in the stables.  Just don't try to ride them.  They don't seem to like it.

Much love,

Kelvin