Baby momma drama: pregnant woman gets reality check about becoming single mother

September 17, 11:52 PMSF Dating Advice ExaminerDeborrah Cooper

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Unwed single Moms are common.

Dear Deborrah:
I am 21 years old and six months pregnant. We haven’t had sex lately and I haven’t seen him in two weeks. But when I saw him on Friday I found a condom in his pocket. Mind you, the two of us don’t use condoms. I know that I'm not his wife, but I am his girlfriend and it wasn’t meant for me to have this baby, it just happened. And no matter what, my unborn child is a blessing to me and my family. When I’m his girlfriend he is not single and neither am I! He cannot do whatever he wants. And just to inform you if I want to have a baby that is my choice and no one else’s. And just as I have a responsibility, he does too! What should I do?

Signed,
Pregnant and Angry

Dear Angry:
The only person you need to be angry at is yourself.

Leaving the condom in his pocket for you to find was his way of telling you that he is out spending time with and sleeping with other women. That means that the committed relationship you thought you had with him is not there. You didn't say how long you and this fella have been dating, but it doesn't sound like it was long enough for you to have meaningful conversations with him about life, goals, love, children and responsibility.

You are very wrong in your assessment of your importance and what he "can’t" do. No matter what you say he can't do, he sure is doing it… right in your face too! No matter how much you jump up and down and go on about being his girlfriend, it's not stopping him from creeping, right? So listen to me very carefully.

Too many young women are making this very, very stupid mistake and ruining their lives. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility, emotionally, financially and physically. It's an exhausting, thankless and draining job that you never get to leave. The fact that you think having a baby out of wedlock is "a blessing" shows how confused you and your family are. It is NOT a blessing by any stretch of the imagination. A child will place you in the position of having to forego many of your dreams, ambitions and fun because you will be tied down with child care and responsibilities.

Not only that, you will have reduced your dating options considerably. Most young men in your age group that are focused, educated and on their way to greatness do NOT want to be saddled down with women that have children by other men. They are adamant about having their OWN children and refuse to take on the responsibility of a "ready made family." Females that have children by other men are viewed as second rate… good for sex but not for love.

You need to understand that until you are married to a man you not much of anything to him. Girlfriend is not wife. That is why you should not have babies by men you are not married to. Ever.

What is on the horizon for you is a baby and a breakup, followed by a relationship with some other guy. You could conceivably end up having his baby too, and so on and so forth. I would hate to see you end up with a bunch of stray kids and baby daddies all over the place, but sadly, that seems to be acceptable behavior for this new generation of women.

Since you are not married, you really have no right to expect much in the way of fidelity or commitment. Those behaviors are covered in the wedding vows that one says at the altar, a place you haven't seen. You have no reason to expect the same rights and privileges a wife receives, nor do you have the right to expect him to act like a husband because HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

Finally, your claim that "If I want to have a baby that is my choice and no one else's" is exactly my point. You two were silly and created a major problem for yourselves. You should have discussed your relationship, plans for the future, and responsibly participated in using solid birth control methods to prevent pregnancy. Right now he is angry, frustrated and seeking escape in the arms of another woman (or women).

So what you have now is a man that is running away from you. You and this child are the reason he feels boxed in and trapped. YOU wanted the baby YOU would have it whether he wanted it or not, and to me that means its now YOUR PROBLEM. Taking care of it every day will be your problem. Buying it clothes, shoes, food, transporting it to and from day care, staying up with it at night when it is sick, paying for medical care and diapers will also be YOUR PROBLEM.

Consult with a family law attorney to establish physical custody, legal custody, and to arrange a paternity test if the father requests it. Understand that all you can force him to do is pay child support, but you cannot make him spend time with the baby, see you, love you or love the baby either. You need to recognize what time it is and prepare for life as a single parent.

And on those days when you are broke, lonely and exhausted from taking care of a child by yourself, remember that this was your choice and no one else's.

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