The second rule of dating - never date a man that wants to go dutch

September 11, 10:27 PMSF Dating Advice ExaminerDeborrah Cooper

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Why do men try to get away with that "let's go Dutch" stuff? And why would a woman accept that type of date? What is it men are trying to accomplish by going Dutch? How is a guy that suggests Dutch dates going to be perceived by women? And ladies, if you agree to pay half or even volunteer to go Dutch on a date, what message are you really sending to the guy?

Is a man that insists on doing Dutch just a cheap so and so trying to date without paying for anyone but himself, or is he allowing a woman to assert her independence? Let me tell you what I think…

Rule #2 – Men Must Always Pay 100% of the Cost for the First Two Dates

My rule is probably not going to go over well with a certain segment of the male population. I've run into more men lately who are terrified that dating is going to cost them in some huge way. They express fear that women might be "using them" for a "free" dinner or lunch. They feel more comfortable if the woman pays her half so that they have nothing invested in her.

And therein lies the problem... You have nothing invested in her.

Sadly, if you truly believe the only reason a woman would go out with you is to get a free meal, your low opinion of yourself speaks volumes about your perceived desirability and self-confidence.  Since you believe you are not a desirable man, it would follow then that you'd be distrustful of a woman's true feelings and interest in you.  You are a living example of Groucho Marx's quip:  "I'd never join a club that would have a person like me as a member!"

A man resistant to investing $25 on a date is guarded, stingy and protective with his time and feelings as well as his money. Women know this, and smart women avoid such men like the plague.

Women's liberation is this fella's dream come true. He desperately wants the respect and admiration a man who proudly embraces the socially accepted role of "male" receives from women. However, by insisting that women pay for dates he places women in the traditional male role. This guy then complains bitterly that women "are confused," "don't know what they want" or don't want "a good man."

For a woman to feel like a woman, the man she is with has to flood her senses with his masculine energy. The guy that told me "Most men won't feel comfortable letting the woman pay. It is a threat to his masculinity" understands this concept.

Young Women and Mature Women See Things Differently

There seems to be a difference in perception about going Dutch that was clearly generational; women in their mid-30s and older expressed the following sentiments about Dutch treat dates:

"If a guy pays for a date he wants me for more than just a fling and values me and my time. I can afford to pay my way but I enjoy being treated because it makes me feel like a desirable woman. If a guy hints for a contribution or asks me to pay I feel that he is interested in one night stand - not anything long term. I pay my way, no problem but I drop the guy (and no, he doesn't get none either)!"

"If a woman within this age group volunteers to pay her share, she is sending a signal of disinterest. I always grab the tab on a first date when I never want to see the guy, again. A woman offering to pay on the first date is never a good sign guys."

"If the guy asks me out I expect him to pay. If I ask the guy out I am prepared to pay. I've never done that Dutch treat nonsense. Nor do I go over to a guy's house for a movie and dinner date either. I'm too old for that."

"If I'm with someone who insists on paying, fine, but I feel more comfortable with me being able to pay for my part. I always offer to pay my share because...well it's my share! If he is nice enough to insist then that's very sweet of him. I wouldn't ever want someone I cared about to think I am using them for free stuff!"

The last woman was 19 years old and her statement clearly demonstrates the generational difference in attitude. Mature women know that paying on a date is a mistake. When a woman pays she is (either knowingly or unknowingly) putting up emotional barriers. Even if that woman is interested, she is abandoning any expectations of being treated like a lady by letting a man know that he doesn't have to do any work to get her. He is not challenged to be the best man he can be, because she gives too much, too soon. Women that pay for dates make it easy for men to be selfish.

With Men What You See is What You Get

A man shows you who is he early in the dating process.  Women need to pay attention and stop making excuses for men's negative behavior. 

Trying to create a relationship with a selfish stingy man will be exhausting and frustrating. He will resist giving his time, expressing his feelings, or sharing his thoughts.  He won't feel motivated to be romantic, say sweet things, or go out of his way to make you feel good.  Some barely pay attention to the person they claim to love. And as the relationship goes on, it will be difficult for you to complain about not getting things you never demanded from him in the beginning.

By paying for the first date you set the bar for gallant treatment and his performance as a man at ground level. Always remember that loving requires a willingness to let go, the courage to make yourself vulnerable, and the ability to allow someone to possess a piece of your soul. To reach the depth of love that warms your heart and keeps a man on your mind day and night, he must be willing to give to you in spirit, thought and energy.

It all begins with his willingness to pay for dates.