Is my cat-obsessed girlfriend crazy?

June 12, 5:02 AMSexual Health ExaminerCourtney Bee

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If he could eat you...he would.

 "Sticking It to Courtney Bee"

Your sex and relationship questions answered...cheekily 

 Today's Stinging Question:

 Dear Courtney,

My new girlfriend always seemed down to earth…until she introduced me to her cat. Now I’m questioning her sanity. Not only does she dress her cat up daily in horrific little outfits, but their relationship is way beyond friendly. She insists we take Fantasia along on as many outings as possible, because “Fantasia likes movies, too,” “Fantasia doesn’t want to be away from Mommy for too long,” and “nobody at the restaurant complained about Fantasia last time I brought her.” She’s even convinced her boss to let her bring the cat to work. Our life as a couple revolves around this cat. She insists Fantasia snuggle between us at night when we go to sleep, she refrains from unbridled sexual noises because she “doesn’t want to scare Fantasia,” and we even missed my friend’s birthday party because Fantasia had a mild cold and she refused to leave him alone for a few hours. I’m an easygoing guy and (used to be) an animal lover, but I think that this is ridiculous. Am I a jerk for feeling this way? Am I out of line if I tell her that it’s the cat or me?

—Catatonic, Santa Monica, CA

Courtney Bee Takes It: 

Dear Catatonic,

A quick word on felines: Cats are self-important and sadistic creatures that will spend hours batting around a mouse or bird for the sheer fun of it. A cat will silently watch you get bludgeoned to death by a burglar with only one thought running through his head: “As long as this violent new guy has Meow Mix, we’re good.” Any animal that offers up it’s belly, looks at you pleadingly, then claws you like a demon when you oblige is surely the housepet of the devil. That said, your girlfriend loves her little kitty-poo, and it’s clear that Fantasia (seriously?) brings her a lot of joy. Giving her an ultimatum and saying that it’s you or the hairball hacker is just going to send your girlfriend into a frenzy and she’ll likely jump to kitty’s defense. Ironically, one of the perks of cat ownership is that these animals are extremely independent. They don’t need babying every ten seconds (and frankly, poor Fantasia’s probably longing for a break just as much as you are). Gently guide your sweetie toward activities that aren’t cat friendly. Remind her that a night of dancing, barhopping, or theatre is just as fun as planning Fantasia’s outfits for the week. And you definitely need to put your foot down when it comes to bringing the cat along to restaurants or movies. I don’t live in Santa Monica, but I’m a little disturbed by the thought of visiting a local café, ordering a sandwich, and then looking over to find a cat with its hind legs in an upward V, furiously cleaning the hard to reach spot between its crotch and tail.

Fantasia also needs to be banished from the bedroom during naked noisy time. When an animal affects the quality of your sex life, it’s time to redefine the relationship. Indulge your girlfriend in selective activities to show that you respect their bond—offer to take the cat to the vet once in a while or buy Fantasia a new toy. This will go a long way when it comes to the times where you need to say, “Honey, there’s a couple of other activities that appeal to me more than that yoga with your cat class.” And remember: We all laughed at that episode of The Office where Dwight chucks Angela’s cat into the freezer, but no relationship should escalate to caticide. If the TV couple had communicated and then set pet boundaries, Sprinkles might have lived to claw another armchair.  

—Courtney Bee