Adultery, Cheating, and Sin this Thursday on Nightline

September 22, 10:42 AMCleveland Open Relationships ExaminerGaylen Moore

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On Thursday, September 24, ABC News' "Nightline" begins its series on the Ten Commandments. The topic for Thursday will be Commandment #7 which forbids adultery. The episode was recorded last week in a church in front of an audience of more than 4,000 people, most of whom were conservative Christians.

The format is said to be a "face-off" between two ministers on the one hand, and two advocates of adultery, on the other. Who would advocate for adultery in a church filled with 4,000 conservative Christians? One was author Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage. The other was Noel Biderman, the founder AshleyMadison.com, whose website motto is "Life is short, have an affair."

One question to keep in mind while watching this Thursday's program is this: Is adultery the same as cheating? The legal definition of "adultery" varies greatly, so the answer may depend on the context in which you ask the question, but the common theme in all definitions is sexual relations outside of marriage. If we go with this simple definition, then is adultery the same as cheating? The answer in this case would have to be no. Cheating implies deception, but extramarital sex does not always require deception. The whole point of an open marriage is that it involves the knowledge and mutual consent of the married partners. Thus couples in an open marriage may be committing adultery by some definitions of the term, but they are not cheating.

If you end up watching Nightline this Thursday, notice who is and who is not aware of the distinction between non-monogamy and cheating.

In at least one case, it appears that the distinction is completely ignored. According to a report by Tim Madigan, the evening's most emotionally-charged moment comes when the Nightline moderator, Cynthia McFadden, turns to the congregation for questions. Madigan says a teenage girl speaks up to tell of being raised by her brother because adultery destroyed her parents’ marriage.

"Think about that," the girl said to Block and Biderman. "You don’t know what it feels like when children are torn apart because of adultery. I don’t know why you can continue to encourage that!"

Her comments brought a standing ovation from the audience. But notice the problem here. The act of adultery, itself, does not necessarily imply divorce. Couples in an open marriage commit adultery without divorce, and thus adultery, in itself, need not cause any trauma to children. One commenter on Madigan's article points this out. He says: "Children are torn apart by the response to adultery, not the act. Adults decide what they want to forgive, and what they want to destroy." This is exactly right. If the girl's parents had chosen the path of forgiveness – and perhaps even considered adopting an open marriage lifestyle, there need not have been any special trauma for their children.

Extramarital sex does not have to result in divorce or other forms of family trauma. By some definitions, open relationships are a form of adultery, but by no reasonable definitions are they the same as cheating. As for sin, this obviously depends on one's religious views. According to pastor Ed Young, who was one of the two anti-adultery folks in the Nightline face-off, carnal thoughts about someone other than a spouse is sinful behavior. This goes along with the general Christian belief that we are born in sin. Given the nature of our biochemistry, we are – so to speak – designed to have carnal thoughts about many people throughout any given day. We are, by this way of thinking, not only born in sin, but born to sin – specially designed for the sin of lust. To many people, this way of thinking makes sense, and explains why we need God's forgiveness. To many others, this way of thinking makes no sense at all. If lust is sinful, why would God pre-design our bodies to have lustful thoughts? Supposedly the fall of Adam and Eve brought this design flaw upon us, but how can this be the divine plan of an all-powerful, just, and loving God? If we are to be judged for our sins, shouldn't it just be our own sins for which we are judged? Why should the sins of Adam and Eve condemn modern humans to be born in sin?

On some alternative views, our erotic desires are never "sinful," even if they might sometimes lead to bad behavior. According to this way of thinking, if there is "sin" at all, it is in certain kinds of behavior, not in our feelings. According to some alternative paradigms, our erotic desires are actually healthy, potentially empowering, and even sacred. For such people, there is nothing wrong with adultery, so long as it takes the form of an open, honest, responsible activity in the context of mutual consent. This Thursday we shall see how well the advocates for adultery are able to bring out these alternative views. This ought to be interesting.