What the Sanford affair can teach us about emotional infidelity

July 25, 7:10 PMInfidelity ExaminerRuth Houston

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Emotional infidelity is an insidious form of infidelity that poses a major threat to marriages and committed relationships today. One reason is because most people underestimate the danger of close friendships with members of the opposite sex, which is how emotional infidelity begins.

The highly publicized Sanford affair is a prime example of how an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex can turn into emotional infidelity, and progress to sexual infidelity.

In his recent tearful public confession and apology, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford described how his affair with his Argentinean mistress Maria Belen Chapur began 8 years ago with an innocent exchange of e-mails, and progressed to an extramarital affair.

The emotional bonds Sanford shared with this woman were so strong that he was willing to risk a 6-day disappearance which jeopardized his marriage and his governorship, to visit his mistress in Argentina, even though his wife, Jenny Sanford , warned him not to go.

How Emotional Infidelity Starts

This situation is far more common than people realize. Because in the early stages, there's no sex involved, people underestimate the damage that close opposite sex friendships can do to a marriage or committed relationship if they go on to become emotional infidelity.

Emotional affairs usually start quite innocently, with regular e-mails, text messages, phone calls, or face-to-face conversations between two opposite sex friends. The frequency and intensity of their communication with each other gradually increases as time goes on. Their friendship deepens and strong emotional bonds are formed, which can progress to emotional infidelity, which in turn, can lead to a physical affair.

How Emotional Infidelity Becomes Sexual Infidelity

In Sanford’s case, as in most cases of emotional infidelity, the two people involved are unaware of what’s taking place. Before they realize it, they are in way over their heads, and have reached the point of no return. .

Today’s opposite sex friendship can quickly become tomorrow’s extramarital affair. An otherwise innocent friendship can quickly cross the line if checks and balances aren’t put into place.

If cultivated and nurtured over a period of weeks, months or years, what started as an innocent friendship between two friends of the opposite sex can escalate into an extramarital affair. This is exactly what happened between Mark Sanford and his Argentinean mistress, Maria Belen Chapur.

Sanford’s affair with Maria Belen Chapur developed over a period of 8 years. But an emotional affair can just as easily develop in 8 months or 8 weeks. It depends on how often the two friends communicate, and the intimacy and intensity of their communication.

A Well-Known Case of Emotional Infidelity

Another classic example of emotional infidelity that progressed to sexual infidelity is the now-famous account of what happened between Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and Angelina Jolie.

Brad and Angelina met and became close friends while filming the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Jennifer Aniston knew of the developing friendship between Brad and Angelina, but didn’t take it seriously or view it as a threat.

By the time she realized the danger, it was already too late. The bond of friendship between Brad and Angelina developed into an emotional affair which undermined Brad and Jen’s marriage, and ultimately led to their divorce.

The message is clear: Never underestimate the danger of an emotional affair.

How to Tell if Your Opposite Sex Friendship Has Crossed the Line

An emotional affair is such an insidious form of infidelity that it’s not always clear when a close friendship has crossed the line.  One way to find out is to ask yourself a few questions.

Is there any secrecy at all about my relationship with this person?

Is there some aspect of our relationship that I’ve withheld from my spouse or significant other?

Do I hide or downplay the amount of time I spend with my friend, how often we communicate with each other, or what the two of us talk about?

If so, your friendship may be heading for the danger zone – or it might already be there.

If you, or your spouse or significant other have a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex that you think might be bordering on emotional infidelity, get a free copy of the Emotional Infidelity Quiz and Tip Sheet so you can evaluate the situation. The tip sheet that accompanies it has suggestions on what to do if your  friendship is close to, or has already crossed the line into the danger zone. To get a free copy, e-mail InfidelityExaminer@gmail.com with the word “Emotional - Xm” in the subject line.

*** © copyright 2009 Ruth Houston

Ruth Houston is a New York-based infidelity expert who is frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news. She is the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and blogs at Infidelity News and Views.


For more information see the following articles:

 Emotional Infidelity Usually Leads to Sexual Infidelity

How Good Men End Up Cheating on their Mates

How Jenny Sanford’s “Staying True” Helps Wives Who are, or May Become Victims of Infidelity

3 High Profile Cases of Emotional Infidelity

An Infidelity Expert’s Comments on Jenny Sanford’s Vogue Interview and the Sanford Affair

Is He Cheating? – Is She Cheating? 21 Ways You Can Tell (free tip sheet)Is There a Gene That Makes Men Cheat?

Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (softcover book)

Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs   (e-book version with Affair Recovery information)

Free Infidelity Tip Sheets and Special Reports

Infidelity Resources to Help You Catch a Cheating Mate

 The Top 10 Reasons Why Men and Woman Cheat

5 Infidelity Trends Likely to affect You

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