Communicating in the bedroom

July 12, 5:07 AMSan Antonio Sex and Relationships ExaminerMichele Gwynn

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I’ve heard this story hundreds of times. The conversation always begins with a friend or close acquaintance sharing far too much information about their previous night’s liaison with their lover or spouse, and it starts with this line, “He/she’s really good in bed, but……” There’s always a “but” in the middle of the sentence. How it ends depends on the particular tastes or needs of each individual. For example: “But he didn’t kiss me long enough”, or “she just wouldn’t touch me, you know, there?’

Something is lacking in every one of these passionate encounters, and it’s not what you might think. What, then, is missing? Communication! It’s not that he didn’t kiss her long enough. It’s simply that she didn’t communicate that she wished to be kissed more. And, it’s not that she wouldn’t touch him, you know, there, but simply that he didn’t tell her how much he would enjoy it if she did.

Each person’s body responds in different ways to different stimulus. We’re kind of like the snowflake; no two are ever the same. So how then do we learn to speak out loud that which is most intimate to us all? How do we lay ourselves out there, bare naked and exposed, on an emotional and mental level? We’re already naked and exposed physically. Why not take that next leap?

My answer to this dilemma, and to each one of these TMI (too much information) conversations, is always the same. Tell ‘em what you want! Speak! Language is the most wonderful tool we own. We use it everyday to express what we want. We ask for coffee. We laugh out loud to show joy. We curse, stomp, and scream to express our anger. We tell random strangers to go jump off a cliff when they cut us off in traffic. Ever day, we communicate in thousands of ways from verbal commands to excited gesticulations, yet we can’t seem to open our mouths to say something as simple as “kiss me here”, or “touch me there”.

Why? Perhaps, because on a deeper level, everyone fears rejection and judgment. No one wants to speak their deepest desires out loud and be laughed at, or possibly, be denied. When I’ve asked these good people why they didn’t just come out and say what they feel, what they want, each one responded with the most common, and completely useless, answer; “He/she should “just know”!

I have a news flash for everyone. People are not mind readers! How can someone possibly know you’re hungry if you don’t say “I’m hungry”? It’s a simple as that, yet just as complicated. I asked many of my male friends what they think of a woman telling them what they like in bed while in bed, and they all responded resoundingly with the same answer. They would love it.

So what are some of the things men and women want in bed, but are afraid to ask for?

Guy #1 said “I’d just want her to tell me what she likes. That would be great, not that I feel like I’m doing it all wrong, but if she really wants me to do something that will set her off, I wish she’d tell me. I’d be happy to do it.”

Gal #1 said she would love it if her husband would try using a male enhancement product for fun, but feels it would be “a touchy subject”. But “I’d have my husband experiment with Viagra or Cialis for a marathon sex session with me.”

Another informative chat with a hot Spaniard from Northern Spain revealed a desire for more openness to experimentation on the women’s part. Hombre #2 shared this.

Hombre #2 - “So, we have to tell you what are our very dark thoughts? I don’t know how to start, there are so many. (laughing) In sex, I like to taste all, and discover new sources of pleasure even if they are not very conventional or traditional.”

MG – “So, then, your wish is for the woman to be open to trying new things? And thanks for torturing me with the "taste all" comment. That will probably keep me awake tonight! Is it hot in here?”

Hombre #2 – (laughs seductively) “Yes, I want to be prepared for new sensations, at least to try, and to feel them”

MG – “I can see a woman needs to be prepared for some surprises with you.”

Hombre #2 – “Yes! Believe me, I like to taste new things, to laugh, and to have fun.”

This hombre was just being honest about what he’d like from a woman during a hot encounter. He is open to trying new things to see if they might be pleasurable. He is willing to return the courtesy, as well.

Being open to trying new things is only part of the equation. Expressing desires to new and even long time partners can be overwhelming. One good way to overcome this scary prospect would be this. Write down one thing each of you would like to do, try, or have him/her do to you on a piece of paper (a post-it will do). Fold the paper in two, then exchange the notes. If this exchange takes place hours before the “moment”, it can create a wonderful sense of excitement and adventure. Having this lapse in time might even help ease the anxiety over expressing your desire. In writing down your desire, try to be sensitive of the nature of the request. If it’s something extreme, start slow. Make a pact to at least try what is being requested. Remember that communication requires trust when being shared on such an intimate level.

Another good way to introduce the subject is to ask each other about a fantasy each has. This can be done over dinner, while watching a movie (at home, not the theater), during a walk in the park, whatever. Sharing a fantasy is much easier than coming straight out and requesting your partner to do something that you like. Once your fantasy has come to light, your partner will definitely process that bit of intelligence as a way to please you next time. Believe that once your partner knows what you like, they will try to deliver simply because they love you (or at least are red-hot crazy about you). Think about other times when you’ve expressed a liking for something as simple as, say, red velvet cake. The next time the two of you went out, what did you have for dessert? Red velvet cake, that’s what! One plate, two spoons, just so he or she could share the experience with you.

Last, but certainly not least, is direct request communication. There is absolutely nothing wrong with coming straight out with it while “in the moment”. In fact, most men would happily comply. Let’s face it. Men are not given a manual on how to please a woman. Maybe they should, though. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like driver’s training, men (and women) were given a booklet to study, and a written test to pass before being allowed to “drive”? They could be given a license to make love with a list of necessary devices to use, and a class level; beginner, intermediate, and expert! Since no such license exists, men and women both should feel free to ask for they want. Ask, and ye shall receive, right? If it’s good enough for the good book, why, then, can it not be good enough between couples?

More articles from this examiner:

Passion for fashion II:  What makes or breaks the deal for men

How to tell when a guy is interested

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All articles by Michele Gwynn are under copyright and cannot be reposted without permission from the author.  For permission, please email megwynn@msn.com.