RSS
Home
Choosing guidelines for a successful open relationship
Print
Email
RSS
Subscribe
![](<a href="http://www.glitter-graphics.com"><img src="http://dl9.glitter-graphics.net/pub/313/313379nfswqok73i.png" width=100 height=100 border=0></a>)
I have been happily married for almost thirteen years and my husband and I have had an "open" arrangement for a little over three years. It has been an interesting ride, navigating the occasionally rocky terrain of a relationship which has abruptly shifted from traditional and monogamous to unconventional and non-monogamous.
Making the transition can be difficult. In fact, it is almost guaranteed to. Our society has programmed us to believe that monogamy is the only way to solidify a relationship, a partnership or a marriage and that if it is not able to be maintained that we pack our bags and move on to the next person who we might be able to be monogamous with. Thus the phenomenon of serial monogamy.
But we are learning differently. We are becoming aware that perhaps monogamy is not necessarily the be-all-end-all to a successful relationship. We are also learning that a relationship doesn't necessarily have to be defined in terms of a couple, that the parameters are expanding and some people are choosing to mate in groups of three. Or four. Or five. Or more!
But even with the recent awareness, it can still be challenging to move from a traditional, monogamous relationship or marriage into that of an open one. When my husband and I decided to open our marriage, we sat down one evening with a glass of wine each and a piece of paper and pen. Together we wrote out The Rules Of Our Open Marriage. There were seventeen rules in total and each one was considered carefully and each one carried a weight of certain importance. There were obvious rules, such as Always practice safe sex. There was a rule that stated that We each continue to be primary in the relationship. We stipulated that We both keep dating - each other. And we agreed that Each has the power of veto over the other's prospective partners. We have never exercised veto power, but it is definitely comforting to know it is a clause in case we need it.
These rules, which really are guidelines, were important for us in the beginning because they gave us a framework from which to operate from. Otherwise we surely would have flailed. Like walking a tightrope without a net. We referenced the rules regularly and worked very diligently to remain true to them at all times. Sometimes we stumbled, but that, we realized was part of the path. And now the rules are ingrained within each of us and the paper list lies in a box somewhere. In the three years that we have been open, we have negotiated some of these rules out, such as No overnights. This one is now possible with permission but even then, only on occasion.
So, if you are considering opening up a relationship that has already been based in monogamy, I suggest you first sit down and speak honestly with each other about your expectations, your desires, and your reason for wanting to open. And if together you conclude that it might be something you'd like to attempt, then sit down and make some guidelines. Frame some boundaries. Map out some rules.
You'll be glad you did.
More About:
open relationship
Related Articles:
Comments
Yesterday, CNN.com ran a piece called Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic? I am excited about the fact that mainstream online publications such as …
Open relationships come in as many forms as do regular, old fashioned, monogamous relationships. The way they are structured depends upon the people …
