Nonmovie Nonreview: Guv Busters

June 25, 8:36 PMDallas Libertarian ExaminerGarry Reed

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Beautiful actress, model and thong
enthusiast Phoebe Price is shown here
strictly as a gratuitous come-on for this
nonreview and would never even consider
appearing in the nonmovie Guv
Busters. (AP Photo/Francois Mori)

What say it's time for a little fun?

Anyone can write a real review of a real movie. But as a libertarian, or anyone else even remotely interested in real, actual, genuine, not-lip-service freedom, wouldn't you really rather read a nonreview of a nonmovie you would love to see but can't because it hasn't been made?

Guv Busters (Twentieth Century Faux)

- a special Dallas Libertarian Examiner movie review by Snootie Phlicks

Guv Busters is a documentary style Indy movie that combines a Michael Moore style docu-shammery (Fahrenheit 9/11, Sicko) but without the embarrassing Marx-hugger ideology, an Algorian "inconvenient Truth" absent the junk science and blatant scare-mongering, and Borat minus the voyeuristic hidden camera exploitation.

Diverse styles such as Cinéma vérité, film noire, porn flick, and World's Funniest Home Videos are all used to equally ill effect.

Scenes rapidly follow one another in which government employees are caught in the act of telling the truth and thereby shocking the living bejesus out of their audiences.

Some critics claim this qualifies Guv Busters as a horror movie.

In the opening scene, FEMA public relations flack Dee Bockle tells Midwestern flood victims, "Quit expecting taxpayers to bail you out every few years. Buy flood insurance or move." The camera pans disbelieving faces while a female voiceover whines, "But we're victims! You owe us!"

In a faux film noir dream-state sequence we see a dark, seamy hospital waiting room packed with poor minority immigrants. Well-dressed middle-aged white people are standing to one side. Phrases like "single-payer system" and "Universal Healthcare" are heard off camera.

Payne Bunyan, a low-level bureaucrat from the Surgeon General's Office, shown in silhouette, stuns the members of this smug taxpayer-funded fact-finding junket when he says, "massive government intrusion into the once-free healthcare industry created this mess. Government can't fix what government broke. A free society would offer these people a multitude of healthcare options."

Quick, jarring cut to a brightly lit room. DEA Instructor Gunnar Cockenhammer is addressing a class of trainees. "Get real jobs in the private sector. If you don't, you'll spend the rest of your lives handcuffing nonviolent people whose only offense is committing victimless crimes that harm no one."

Another scene is clearly shot with a cell phone from the back of a classroom. High school teacher Reed N. Wright is telling a group of concerned parents, "Public schools can't be fixed. They're run by bureaucrats to benefit bureaucrats. In a truly libertarian society there would be an unimaginable array of options that would actually educate your children."

Music from the Psycho shower scene blares shriek shriek shriek.

Guv Busters will never be appearing at a fancy Multiplex Cinema Palace
like this one in Chicago. (AP Photo)

Slow fade to Army recruiter Overhill Overdale talking to a prospect. "Sure it's patriotic to fight for freedom and defend your country. But face it, kid; very few of America's wars have ever had anything to do with freedom or defense. They're all about egocentric Presidents strutting on the world stage so their names will stick in the history books, and they'll gladly slaughter battlefield fodder like you to get there. Don't be a sucker."

In a big Hollywood-style finish, music sores while a split-screen credit and "what happened to" epilogue slowly scrolls:

Former FEMA official Dee Bockle launched a successful business building rooftop trap doors in flood-prone homes that now boasts 237 franchises in fifteen midwestern states.

Surgeon General's Office bureaucrat Dr. Payne Bunyan developed an individualized medical insurance packaging scheme based on the pay-as-you-go phone card concept and retired to Prosperous Palms, Florida.

Erstwhile DEA Instructor Gunnar Cockenhammer founded the nationwide chain of Gunnar's Gunners Range and Training Centers and cashed in on the booming popularity of gun ownership.

High school teacher Reed N. Wright started Headspace Learning R Us, a for-profit satellite-based virtual classroom that downloads directly into iphones, Game Boys and X-Boxes. The system is structured like a multi-tiered game that forces children to study lessons and correctly answer questions until they reach the top level which allows them to regain control of their units.

Onetime Army Recruiter Overhill Overdale is a huge success on the motivational speaker circuit, lecturing around the country on the evils of unconstitutional uses of the nation's military.

Fade to black.