Jon and Kate plus 8: on marriages and weddings

Photo by Marcus 74id FreeDigitalPhotos.net

There are marriages centered on vows, the statements framing the relationship we intend to develop, and there are weddings -- the dresses, the cake, the location, the romance, the expense, the planners, the letdown when it's all over. Marriages and vows are about a sacred bond made between two people before the company of heaven. All the celebration and blessing of a marriage requires is a couple, a qualified officiant, a license, and witnesses. Everything else, including rings, is superfluous. Weddings, however, require many things, and these things often distract couples from what they really are doing when they say, "I do."

Exactly what was in the minds and hearts of Jon and Kate is, of course, impossible for another person to tell, let alone someone who never met them as individuals or as a couple. The videos of their ceremonies -- the original wedding and the renewal of their vows during their ninth year together -- show us a lovely couple, a lovely setting, lovely words sincerely spoken. It's unfair to speculate about what these words meant to each of them at the time, but one observation can be made about wedding vows in general. Marriages aren't so much about how beautiful the words are, or whether they move one to tears; they're about what you understand the words to mean, and how you intend to act upon them.

See your clergy person first, a wedding planner second (if at all). The wedding industry is very attractive, weddings are very beautiful. Who wouldn't want one? Without a clear focus on what is important in forging a relationship and what is not, we can end up devoting a good deal of attention on the extras -- like party favors, gifts for attendants, bridal garters, dresses for both the wedding and the reception, getting manicures, hair weaves and facials...you see how it goes. Better to put your energy into understanding the vows and the dynamics of making a marriage work. Pre-marital counseling helps couples identify differences in mindsets - particularly where finances are concerned -- and gives them the tools to work these differences out. Counseling will help you practice having conversations about difficult matters so you can genuinely have discussions, not arguments. And when you do become angry with each other, it will help you handle the anger in a way that is constructive rather than destructive.

A quick example: One partner (#1) is upset with the other (#2) for spending what he or she considers to be too much money on a recent shopping venture. Rather than "make waves" or start an argument, however, #1 keeps silent about it. Later that day, #2 asks #1 to do a household chore. #1 says "okay," but, an hour passes and it hasn't been done. #2 becomes frustrated, demands "why didn't you do what I asked?" and #1, still holding in anger from the shopping trip, either gives #2 the silent treatment or snips, "I said I would do it. Why do you always have to nag?"

What's wrong with that scenario? Many things, including the fact that this couple is about to argue about something that wasn't the actual problem. First, the shopper (partner #2) may have disregarded an agreement on how much was going to be spent. Making budgets together and sticking with them eases differences in attitude toward money. Some of us are spenders, some of us are savers. There is a middle ground where you both can be comfortable, and it can be reached if both partners are honest about what they need to have happen - and not happen - to maintain their sense of well-being. And a big no-no in communications: saying you always. Stick to the specific instance at hand. Don't drag all of history into it.

Second, partner#1, who is upset, does not tell #2 how he or she feels but keeps it inside. A simple, "I'm worried about spending that much," would have introduced the topic in a non-accusatory way. Saying how you feel rather than accusing -- as in, "You spent too much!" or, worse, "You always spend too much" makes your partner feel defensive and guilty. The suggested comment, however, invites empathy. Your partner loves you; he or she doesn't want you to be worried. The two of you can then talk about the source of the worry and put it to rest.

Third, partner#1 is displaying behavior that is very difficult to handle. Saying you will do something, then intentionally not doing it to make the other angry or to get back at the other, is being passive-aggressive, and it's just annoying and counter productive. In this case, it completely diverts attention from the real stresser. The couple is about to argue about a chore not being done when the real problem is the differing mindset on spending. A lot of negative energy is going to be expended, both partners are going to be unhappy, and nothing will be solved. Marriages are meant for "mutual joy," not mutual misery.

Allow yourself time to get to know the person. We often decide to marry after knowing the person for a short time because the physical attraction is so strong, we assume this must be "it." Perhaps it is the lasting relationship with the love of our life -- but if so, it'll remain while we give ourselves time to get acquainted. It's true that people grow and change, (see, when couples grow apart) but the factors that can lead to disillusionment and divorce often were quite obvious when the marriage was made. We simply don't allow ourselves to see them, or we imagine they will disappear "after we're married," or we think we can change that aspect after the wedding day. Dating services that evaluate personalities and match people based on compatibility give us a leg up on this process -- we go into the early stages of a relationship already knowing a good deal about the other person -- but, even so, it's a good idea to give yourself some quality time together before making a commitment. Remember, this is an agreement you intend to make for the rest of your lives. Think of it in terms of all the seconds you agree to spend in the company of this other person. Are you ready for that? If you can't honestly say "yes," then don't give in to the lure of weddings. Wait until you can, and give your marriage a better chance of enduring long beyond your wedding day.