One of the issues bound to come up within a blended family is what the children should call the stepparent. It seems like a small thing, but a simple title in this case can have a huge effect on the dynamic of the relationship between the stepparent and the child. Being a stepparent can already be extremely difficult and making the wrong decision here could plant seeds of conflict and resentment for years to come.
You don't want to demand the child start calling the stepparent "mom" or "dad." Your kids are probably going through enough as it is. Forcing them to suddenly call the stepparent "mom" or "dad" may cause a backlash. They also may start thinking in terms of "real parent" against "stepparent," which will cause unnecessary conflict. How often have we seen a child rebel, saying "You're not my real dad!"
While it may make the adults involved feel more comfortable, forcing your child won't benefit the family as a whole. If you and your spouse share a good relationship and show love to your kids, they will probably come around on their own. It might take months or years, but allowing them to make the decision for themselves will cultivate a stronger bond with their new parent.
Comments
It doesn't matter if they call the parents by their first name. Younger ones may want/need to call their stepparents by "mom" or "dad" but that's their choice. The main focus is respect. The stepparent is another adult in their lives, one that loves them and will help co-parents, and should be respected.
Shirley Cress Dudley
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
and
Founder of Marriage and Family Online Conferences
March 26th: The Blended and StepFamily Online Conference
You're exactly right, Shirley. It's simply about keeping things comfortable for the kids and allowing them to show respect in whatever way is comfortable for them, which may mean using mom/dad or just a first name.
If I marry a man with children, my prayer is that we get along famously. I'd like for them to refer to me as their godmother, because I just don't like the term "step." When addressing me directly, they can call me by my first name or Mom, whichever is most comfortable for them.
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