Simple tips to raising happy children

Emotional interactions between parent and child have a great impact on a child's long-term well-being. Dr. John Gottman, who conducted longitudinal studies of children and happiness at the Family Research Laboratory at the University of Washington, found that concerned, warm, and involved parents often ignored, dismissed or criticized their children's emotions when the child was sad, afraid or angry. Studies showed that children whose so-called negative emotions were acknowledged and accepted by their parents behaved better, had fewer health problems, performed better in school and had more secure friendships- all qualities that contribute to happiness, than those children whose parents had difficulty tolerating distressing emotions (see article Raising an emotionally intelligent child).

Studies conducted at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center indicate that about 50% of our happiness is predetermined by genetics (nature) and the other 50% is determined by social structures (nurture). The good news is that there are simple things parents, teachers and caretakers can do to teach children skills that will lead to greater happiness. Researchers define happiness as having positive emotions such as gratitude, love, compassion, confidence, optimism and joy. Parents are challenged with raising their children in a competitive world in which they want their children to be happy and productive. Two things that parents, teachers and caregivers can do to foster positive emotions in children, in addition to acknowledging and accepting their emotions, are: 1) providing adequate challenges and 2) providing positive feedback.

The way in which parents, teachers and caregivers provide feedback is very important. Children who are praised for working hard rather than for being smart, for example, respond more positively to all sorts of challenges. In a study conducted at the Greater Good Science Center, children were given a short test and then one line of praise. Evaluators either said: "You did really well; you must be very smart," or they said, "You did really well; you must have worked really hard." After the test, the researchers offered the children either a harder puzzle that they could learn from or one that was easier than the one they had completed successfully. The majority of the children praised for their intelligence wanted the easier puzzle so to avoid risking making a mistake and loosing their label as "smart." On the other hand, more than 90% of children whose efforts were encouraged chose a harder puzzle. This showed that when children are praised for effort and hard work, they are able to enjoy the learning process and not worry about a label to uphold.

Accordingly, world famous child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott claimed the theory behind avoiding positive labels is that labeling a child can set up unrealistic expectations, and those expectations put a lot of pressure on a child.  Numerous studies have shown that children are happiest and most successful when they feel heard and understood by their parents, are given adequate challenges and given positive feedback that focuses on the process rather than the end result.

Contact Sara Shaw, M.S., MFT for a free consultation at: sara.shaw@alumni.northwestern.edu