Children who don't understand their emotions and, thus, cannot verbally express themselves properly tend to be moody, irritable and disobedient. It's up to parents and teachers to look for opportunities to help children understand and express their troubling feelings. When children's negative emotions run high, instead of becoming frustrated and irritated, try viewing these moments as an opportunity to teach children how to cope with life's ups and downs.
Usually, when children get emotionally exercised, this is the time they need their parents and teachers the most. Try not to:
criticize- "stop being a baby"
dismiss- "that's silly; you should not be afraid, sad, angry, etc."
ignore - "just forget it and go find something to do"
Criticizing, dismissing or ignoring children's feelings doesn't make those feeling go away. When children don't feel heard or acknowledged, they often experience self-doubt, shame and frustration. All parents want to protect their children from uncomfortable emotions, though children need to learn how to effectively manage distress.
Respecting children's so-called undesirable emotions requires listening, acknowledging and helping children verbally express themselves. This, in itself, can help a child to calm down. The child not only learns to trust his own feelings and build his self-confidence, he also learns to trust you. This trusting bond can be used as leverage to influence the child's behavior.
Reprimand the misbehavior, not the negative emotion
Children who don't understand their upsetting emotions tend to express themselves by screaming, hitting, pushing, grabbing, etc. It's important that the child isn't reprimanded for the emotion (i.e., feeling angry) but for the misbehavior (i.e., expressing the anger by hitting).
Children need appropriate outlets for emotional expression, as well as the consequences for misbehavior, and parents and teachers must be patient through this teaching process. Try to ask your children what's wrong when they are upset and then listen to what they have to say. Really listen and then acknowledge their feelings. If you help your children react positively to negative experiences, you have offered a wonderful chance to empower and support them and, thus, allowed them to begin to develop a strong sense of self.
Be a good role model to your children
If you want your children to react to negative situations in an emotionally positive way, it is important to teach by example. Try not to yell or throw things when you are upset; take time for yourself.
Talk to your children when they are sad, afraid or angry; recognize emotional expression as an opportunity to connect and teach.
Contact Sara Shaw, M.S., MFT for a free consultation at: sara.shaw@alumni.northwestern.edu
Comments
it all depends on which culture you're from. chinese parents tend to derail their children when they're out of control. they use emotion abuse quite often and terminally affecting their children. americans are thought to be a nice culture, training them to be independent and happy. black culture will bring children into the world without knowing who their parents are, so expect lots of mayhem from them. it all depends where you're from because there are no universal parental guidelines followed by all cultures, there's no such thing. looking at how muslim women or girls are treated, you don't want to know without censoring or redact everything in print.
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