Gentle, cooperative social behavior can require a big effort from a young child. Socializing is a skill children have to learn, and some find it easier than others. Most difficulties in relationships for children stem from stress and/or a lack of social skills. Testing limits is developmentally healthy because it's children's way of discovering what is acceptable behavior, but frequent aggression, tantrums and inattention/hyperactivity are usually cries for help.
Aggressive Behavior
Children who use hitting, kicking or pushing as a means to express their anger and frustration need to learn to use words to express themselves, which requires adults to really help them. Children who say things like, "I hate you" are usually very frightened by their own anger because they don't feel in control. Help them understand what they are angry about, and that it is ok.
- Make it clear it's ok to feel angry, but not to hit, bite, push, etc.- validate the emotion and set limits on the behavior.
- Stay calm. Getting angry back usually adds to the child's fear and anger.
- Avoid power struggles- punishment deepens child's feelings of discouragement. Offer choices and problem-solve with the child to find solutions.
- Ask yourself if your child is getting enough sleep and exercise.
Tantrums
- Don't reward or punish tantrums. If the child senses that tantrums affect you in any way, the child will learn to use them.
- Teach your child that tantrums will not change your mind about the rules.
- Let your child know what you expect ahead of time. Have clear, simple rules.
- Model listening, communicating with words and staying calm.
Inattention/Hyperactivity
Make sure your child has been tested for accurate hearing, language comprehension and any learning disabilities.
- Re-direct the child's attention.
- Follow a predictable structure/routine.
- Involve children in meaningful ways- play games with them, read with them, give them opportunities for plenty of outdoor exercise (limit t.v. and video games).
- Use external rewards to encourage internal rewards; i.e. offer stickers for desirable behavior until child is motivated by own feelings of pride.
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