Divorce, Dating and "Unrequited Love": is it a boundary violation?

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• http://www.examiner.com/x-5939-Divorce-Support-Examiner~y2009m9d18-Divorce-and-getting-over-your-ex-in-any-love-relationship

While facilitating a workshop entitled Healthy Boundaries and Finding Time For Yourself to Write (see www.booksonrelationships.net), January 9th, 2010, a guest threw your author a rather interesting question about the issue of unhealthy boundaries, which was fair, as it was a topic in the work shop: Did she feel that Unrequited Love could be considered an “unhealthy boundary”. After smiling and saying “Did someone pay you to ask me that question this morning?”, your author thought about the audience member’s question in depth. It brought to mind, the term “enmeshment” in not only divorced families, but in love relationships, as well.

“Enmeshment” “is a term from family systems theory, and is actually a problem in boundary definition. It is such a commonly used term nowadays that we also felt it deserved discussion on its own.”, Essentially, enmeshment “is a tangled mess” and when “people are enmeshed with each other, it is nearly impossible for them to see where their identities end and someone else’s identity begins.”  The Sober Village.  Additionally, enmeshment can be described as a relationship “where one party desires a different relationship than the other partner”. Taking this into consideration, then your author would have to opine that indeed Unrequited Love is the violation of a boundary.

“Unrequited Love”, if you do not know, is the concept of a “love that is not openly reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections.”, as well.  Wikipedia. Simply put, one person carries a “torch” for the other person and the recipient is unknowing or "oblvious" to these strong feelings. While, yes, if we think about it, more than likely it has happened to us all at one point or another in our lives where we felt exceptionally strong or an exceptional “loyalty” to a partner, perhaps even after a break-up. However, if your love is not being reciprocated, that’s where the problem comes in. While loving someone endlessly while in a relationship can be an incredible growth process. However, the problem with continuing to love someone post relationship particularly if they are not interested in you, is that you may wind-up causing a lot of emotional stress for yourself in the long run.

Truly, your author would be willing to proffer a "Gentleman’s Bet" that all of us have had an Unrequited Love Relationship at one time or another and Unrequited Love (as in an “undying love in the form of a loyalty”) can be a good thing where both parties adhere to such principles. Carrying the philosophy alone on your own, however, may lead you to an altruistic belief that a relationship will improve even where history has proven it cannot, or worse, lead you to believe that you have chances with some one that you do not.

“The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.” Anonymous.

All articles are copyright of Corinne E. Frontiero, and All Rights are Reserved.   

For more information: To see Corinne's own website, visit www.booksonrelationships.net, Contact Corinne on the Motown Writers Network, or listen to Corinne's radio show Reading, Writing and Relatioships, by visiting Blog Talk Radio on the Michigan Literary Network, the second Wednesday of each month from 5:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. EST.