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It has been over a year and a half since I filed for divorce from my husband.
We are still waiting for the divorce to be finalized and in the meantime we are doing our best to get along with each other. And when I say ‘get along with each other’ that doesn’t mean Sunday family brunches and sitting next to each other at 3rd grade basketball games.
This means no communication. When I say no communication, I mean no communication. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no talking when we exchange the kids. We don’t even look each in the eyes. I wish this wasn’t the case but this way of “getting along” is working for us. Not so much for the kids.
My two boys have gotten used to the idea of their parents not talking. Should they? Hell no. It is ridiculous and immature that two grown adults, two loving parents, two people who couldn’t stop talking about or to one another their entire adult life (and some their teenage life), can no longer speak a few words about the care of our offspring, the two people in the world we love the most.
Our kids, both under 10, find this normal yet heartbreaking. Imagine being a part of a family that once did everything together: birthdays, New Year’s Eve, clothes shopping, soccer games, etc. When I was getting my hair done, my boys and their dad would even come in to analyze and critique the stylist’s technique!
I view our divorce through our kid’s eyes: imagine the two people you love the most not even being able to look at one another.
I explain to the boys the pain, hurt, and anger that divorce causes the two people who are ending their marriage. I also explain how hard it is for those people to go through a divorce. Know what my oldest son said? “I think it’s harder for the kids.” It was like a lightning bolt hit me…it is harder for the kids. My ex-husband and I get a break from the world of divorce when the other parent has the kids for the week.
For one week we can each be single people, instead of divorced parents. We can work, date, do laundry, and have fun without the divorce hovering over our heads. We, in a sense, can escape. Our kids cannot. Every day they are reminded that their parents live in two different homes, and lead two different lives separate from one another. Every day they come home from school to eat dinner with just one of their parents instead of two. Birthdays are celebrated separately, as well as holidays.
Yeah, divorce is harder on the kids.
Remember that next time you complain about their mom or dad in front of them. Remember that the next time you ask your kids what your ex is up to, or yell at them about silly, small things instead of correcting them with patience and kindness.
When you spend time with your kid tonight, let them know that you realize divorce is hard on them as well as you. Then give them a hug!
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Comments
I just want to let every divorced parent of school-aged children know that they can now download for FREE their child's own free copy of my workbook titled, "My Family Has Two Houses." Just do a search for Divorce Support Plus and download it from the home page!
All the best to everyone,
Sharon Shenker
Founder, Divorce Support Plus
Gosh, this just broke my heart. So sad.
Thanks Sharon! I suggest everyone download the free workbook...I am!
My wife left about a month ago, moved into a great new house, and then backed right off all the counseling she'd agreed to. She has since informed me - angrily and venemously - she can't stand being around me and hates the sound of my voice. Meanwhile, our beautiful, loving and kindhearted five year old occasionally pops up with, "I hope when Mommy's gotten some rest then we can all live in the same house again!" and "I want both Mommy AND Daddy to be here!" When she plays with her Barbie she tells me earnestly that Barbie and Ken love each other, they live in the same house and they never break up. When she plays Princess she tells me that bad guys are trying to make her break up with the Prince and marry them. My little girl's heart is breaking along with mine, and I can't protect her no matter what I do. It makes me heartsick. Of course divorce is harder on kids, their whole world is shattered all at once. All their images of family, all their sence of security, all their comfort and protection, gone all at once. I am trying my best to reach my wife and find another way, but she's spending all her energy fighting me off instead of considering fixing this, and the victim, the innocent victim is our daughter. It's so very sad.
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