Fat sex

 

There are I think 4 types of fat women.  First is the size 2 woman who remembers being a size 0.  Bony and angular, she eats a cupcake that you can see travel through her intestinal track like a mouse traveling through a snake.  When her belly distends by 1% she pinches a millimeter of skin between perfectly manicured fingers and says unconvincingly, "I'm fat".

The second type of woman is one who has spent most of her life as a size 8/10 .  She is now equally comfortable in a size 12/14, neither fat nor thin but average in most regards.  Able to shop, fit into a commuter airline seat, with minimal effort she could be back into her size 8 Lucky Brand Jeans by summer.  Only when the size 14 starts to stretch at the seams does she look at herself in the mirror and say, "I'm fat".

The third type of woman has had a child or two or three or four and whose life has been dominated by the needs of her family.  A diet powered by fast food and diet coke, always diet coke, she hasn't seen her toes since the 3rd trimester of her 2nd pregnancy. With lack of sleep she stares at the circles under her eyes after a 3am feeding and says, "I'm fat"

Two weeks ago, I was riding the yellow line from Pentagon to L'Enfant when a woman offered me her seat which I declined.  At first , I thought her gesture was an unheard of kindness in a city not known for it's generosity, she warmly smiled and asked, "when are you due".  I loudly replied, 'I'm not pregnant, just fat".  Seeing this woman squirm did little to quell my humiliation.

 "Oh, uh" she fumbled, "it's the way you're standing"

No it wasn't the way I was standing.  I fit into the fourth category of fat women.  I am actually fat.  Not one-too-many-cookies fat, not PMS fat, not oh-what-a pretty-face fat, but stretch-pant fat.  And while I show little discretion in this column, even I'm not going to reveal my weight here apart from to say that at 5'5" ish, I am at least 100 lbs overweight.

According to a 2009 Gallup poll, 6 in 10 Americans are overweight but only 4 in 10 Americans think they are.

On a recent trip to Kansas City, I was introduced to a woman who is a friend of TS's Ex. I'm fairly intuitive and although she was certainly polite enough, I knew that the first thing she would report back to the Ex is that I'm only slightly smaller than a bus.  Knowing how women are, I'm sure that this was a comfort to the Ex.  Glad I could be the big butt of that joke.

My last serious relationship was with the man who later became my husband.  It was 2001 and I was 125lbs.  I look back on pictures of myself at that weight and I think now how great I looked then.  Lingerie, provocative clothing were all a part of my sexual arsenal.  At the time though, if asked, I would have said that I was fat.

As I gained weight in the aftermath of the divorce, I was conscious of the damage that I was doing to my body.  Had I been in denial, there was Grandmummy who last Christmas asked if I'd heard of Lap-Band.  I responded by getting drunk and making a pass at a family friend 21 years my junior whom I subsequently learned was gay.  Deck the Halls. 

I figured that eventually I would lose weight and fall in love.  In that order.  My ability to cultivate a loving and sexual relationship was tied to being a firm and fit 125lbs.  What I've learned is that attractiveness is subjective and that I'm no more or less attractive for being overweight.  And although there are Chubby Chasers, I've kept my distance from these predators. 

TS isn't at his fighting weight either and it's been a touchstone for us in this new relationship.  How we negotiate intimacy wearing skin that we are not used to making love in has made each of us a better partner to the other.  In seeing one another at our physical "worst" has made us each more accepting of who we are and has added a tenderness to sex that I have never known.  It's also given us the necessary motivation to move toward health; falling in love as walking "before" pictures we have unconditional love for one another even as we've learned to have unconditional love for ourselves.