The specter of rape haunts many women. This specter hides in the bushes on walks home late at night, hides in cars parked under unlit street lamps, preys on unsuspecting women in nightclubs and bars waiting for the opportunity to drug unattended drinks. This specter is the “stranger rapist,” an unknown, striking-out-of-nowhere threat. We live in a culture that has put the scenarios, the causes of sexual assault into a neat box, carefully collated and indexed. The contents of this box indentify who, what, when and where rape will occur. Most importantly, the contents contain the tips, the rules women must abide by in order to prevent sexual assault; beware of strangers, don’t walk alone at night, don’t park your car in the dark, don’t leave your drink unattended, listed along with countless other rules.
Yet, these culturally defined rules don’t reflect the reality for most women. While stranger rape does occur, women are more likely to be raped by someone they know. According to the Department of Justice, two-thirds of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim. The rules take the focus off the real threat of sexual assault which is someone the victim knows such as a partner, co-worker, acquaintance, family member. Furthermore, the rules are constraining. Although vigilance is necessary for personal safety, following the rules provides only one possible solution rather than emphasizing the right to personal safety and that there are multiple solutions to protecting oneself against sexual assault. One organization that is challenging the rules is Defend Yourself, a Washington, DC group that provides comprehensive self-defense classes to the community. Defend Yourself is helping to rewrite the narrative of sexual assault by advocating for empowerment, choice and confidence.
I recently participated in a class led by Lauren Taylor, lead instructor of Defend Yourself. I first heard of Taylor when she was referred to me by a former colleague while I was working at a domestic violence organization. I had been followed by a man when grocery shopping one summer evening. It was still light outside and many people were walking around, yet he followed me. The only thing I could think to do was to turn around and face him while he was walking slowly behind me. I turned all the way around, as in a sort of duel, heart racing, hands at my sides, determined not to forfeit. But instead of a gun in my hands I held grocery bags. The only weapon I could think to use was my glare, and decidedly, my voice to tell him to back off if he came closer. He stopped, hands at his side, and stood on the busy sidewalk facing me. His eyes widened in surprise and within seconds he quickly crossed the street in the opposite direction. I stood watching him until he was no longer in view. Even though he was gone, I felt totally powerless. I believed that he wanted to harm me, but he was not playing by the rules. It was light outside, people were about, but he felt emboldened enough to follow me. After that experience, I resolved to learn new ways to protect myself. I contacted Taylor about attending one of her classes.
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“Hey, what are you doing?” the hand reached out, uninvited, and grabbed my wrist. “Please take your hand off me,” I responded firmly peering into the eyes of the person who was grabbing me. Smiling and ignoring my reply, the hand did not budge, “I’m just being friendly.” I dropped the pleasantries and sharpened my tone of my voice to reflect a controlled firmness, “I said take your hand off me.” I reached down and forcibly took the hand off my wrist.
This scene was part of a role playing exercise that I participated in at a Defend Yourself introduction to self-defense workshop. Participants in the class took turns playing the role of acquaintance and potential victim and we rehearsed ways in which to respond to unwanted verbal and physical contact. Perpetrators of sexual assault both stranger and acquaintance, Lauren Taylor explained in class, will often times use tactics “slowly eroding away at your boundaries.” That is to say, a perpetrator may start with unwanted physical touching, such as grabbing the wrist, and progress onto an actual attack if they see that a potential victim is not responsive to their aggressions.
One of the many choices or strategies of self-defense, Taylor explains, is the importance of communication. “Tell them what you want,” she would emphasize at various points during class. As I was acting this out in the role playing exercise, I interpreted this statement on multiple levels. On the one level I can communicate what I want, such as in the case of unwanted touching to tell the person to stop touching me. But, I also interpreted this as not just a verbal defense in an unsafe or potentially unsafe situation, but rather a declaration of my own autonomy and right to safety.
During the class, Taylor emphasized that self-defense is about having many options and choices. The class covered and explored various strategies when confronted with a potential or actual attack. Strategies included being aware of your surroundings, being cognizant that attackers are usually people you know, communicating what you want, to actual physical self-defense such as kicks and punches, poking the eyes in intervening when an attack is taking place.
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Lauren Taylor is certified as a self-defense instructor through the National Women’s Martial Arts Federation and has been involved in the violence against women movement for over 30 years. She was a founder of Washington DC’s first hotline for domestic violence victims in 1978 which later became My Sister's Place, the first domestic violence shelter for women and their children in the District. I asked Taylor about the stranger rape scenario and the sexual assault tips and rules that permeate our culture. While Taylor states that there are common sense safety measures that women can take, tips are not helpful, “It’s like telling ghost stories in overnight camp. They’re terrifying and not realistic.” These tips, Taylor explains, “help take the focus off the real threat which are primarily partners, ex-partners, wanna-be partners, and people we’re close to in everyday life such as family members, neighbors, acquaintances and co-workers.” Taylor elucidates that it’s easier to be vigilant against strangers because “It’s much harder to pay attention to subtle degradation of your boyfriend’s put-downs.”
Rules and tips, Taylor asserts, lead to societal victim blaming and more importantly, self-victim blaming. “One thing that I hate about it is that women internalize them. ‘I have to do this, I have to do that, I should have done that,’ and you become really vigilant and if something happens it’s your fault because you did the four hundred and thirty second thing but you didn’t do the four hundred and thirty third thing.”
Defend Yourself offers classes that challenge our notions about safety and empowerment. By identifying choices, communicating what we want and need, we can better identify strategies to protect ourselves. “Mature, complex decision making, plans, confidence might be helpful,” Taylor asserts,” but check lists are not going to make you safer.”
For more information about Defend Yourself or attending a class, please visit www.defendyourself.org/
Comments
Great article Tiffany! It is very educational and thought-provoking especially with regard to the behavior of people that we know. Very well done.
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