2) Actions are not louder than words.
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We hear it all the time, regurgitated by PhD’s, on television and radio, in magazines, in books like Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and so forth—“Men are hunters, women are nesters.” Okay, great. So what does that mean? Supposedly, that there’s not much we can really do; men and women are just different. Having this “enlightening” information is utterly useless. It’s not like you can walk up to a guy and say, “I’m a nester, you’re a hunter. Let’s get married,” anymore than I can walk up to a woman and say, “I’m a hunter and you’re a nester. Let’s go have sex. On the way, I’ll kill something because I’m a hunter.”
Such rhetoric is just one of the reasons I tend to dismiss PhD mumbo-jumbo; they always seem to miss getting to the root of the issue; thus, they offer very little substance, instead simply serving to validate other unhelpful rhetoric like, “Just be yourself.”
So what does the whole hunting, nester-thing mean? It’s usually used to explain that men and women think and communicate differently; but, it ends there. How do men and women communicate, differently?
“Men are clueless.” It’s a phrase you women love to use and it accurately depicts how men and women communicate, differently. Women tend to communicate via their actions over their words; when your words and actions don’t match, your actions are really doing the talking. With men, it’s the exact opposite—we tend to communicate via our words over our actions; when the two don’t match, heed our words.
This is why nice guys finish last—they take what you say as absolute law and respect it. A few years ago, I was on a date with a woman who told me she was “on a dating hiatus.” I made a pass at her and two weeks later we were officially dating. I understood that she was on a date, so she wasn’t really on a hiatus; I heeded her actions over her words. Back when I was a nice guy, I would have completely missed it. I simply would have been bummed and retort, “Oh, well, if anything changes, let me know. I really like you.” That would have been the end of it. Jerks do well with women because they don’t listen to what you say in the first place. You tell a jerk you’re on a dating hiatus and all he hears is “Wa wa, wa wa, wa wa wa wa,” like you’re Charlie Brown’s teacher, while he stares at your breasts trying to push their way through your sweater.
Unfortunately, just like nice guys, you expect men to communicate the way you communicate. Many women email me, heartbroken, wanting to know how a guy could treat them so badly? After probing them some, I almost always find out the guy didn’t mistreat them; in fact, he told them how things were from the start. The problem is the women kept trying to unnecessarily read the guy’s actions. Many times, for example, I’ve had women tell me the following: they met a guy one night at a bar or party. He said he didn’t want to date anyone right now. Later, he asked for her number. She gave it to him. He called a few times, they talked, they had a few dinners, one thing led to another and they wound up in bed a few times. Clearly, in her mind, the guy became interested in possibly dating her—he asked for her number, called, her, etc. So she brings up “the relationship,” the guy retorts, “I told you I didn’t want to date!” and moves to Thailand. She cries and she and her friends tell everyone he is a “jerk.” 
Eeer! (That’s my buzzer sound.) Hold the phone. The guy clearly stated, “I’m not looking to date anyone,” before asking for her number. So, when she gave it to him, in his mind she just told him she was okay with possibly just hooking up. If a guy says he doesn’t want to date, and you want more than a roll-in-the-hay, give him the "get real stare" when he asks for your number and don’t give it to him.
Even when a guy is being deceitful, his words give him away. More than once I’ve had women complain to me that their boyfriend turned out to be married. Again, I probed. Guess what? The boyfriend laid ground rules that he couldn’t be called on the weekends, could only be reached on his cell, and any calls after 8PM had to come from him; he couldn’t be called after eight. Translation? “I’m married and I don’t want to risk my kids or wife overhearing the conversation or worse, answering the phone!”
You’ll be much happier and far more successful in your relationships and dating if you just listen to what guys tell you. Remember, actions aren’t louder than words when it comes to us. In fact, sometimes we can’t even keep ourselves from blurting out, “Wow, you are beautiful.” I’m not telling you anything you don’t know… “Men are clueless,” remember? In other words, we don’t get actions are louder than words and we don’t act louder than what we say, so all you have to do is listen up!
Comments
I would disagree....I believe you have to look at the person's actions if you really want to get the true picture as to what their intentions really are regardless if they're male or female. For example, a girl/guy says they're going to do one thing and don't follow through..that probably should be translated as "he/she isn't really interested". If your theory holds true, then please tell us why men say they're going to call you when they beg and plead for the phone number and then never actually dial the number.
Well, Rachel, if a guy gets two phone numbers in a night, will he call the one who was actually interested in getting the call, or the one who fought the idea and then grudgingly gave up the number?
Rachel,
Stay tuned. I'll cover why guys don't call in a future entry... (The answer to this one is pretty obvious, though. If a guy begs and pleads with you for your number, once he gets it, he figures he is not going to be successful, if it's even real. Getting digits is a victory within itself, so he leaves it at that. #1 reason guys don't call: They don't think they're going to be successful. I'll tell you how to guarantee a guy calls after getting your digits in a future article.) Good question on your part!
If words speak louder with men,then what the hell does it mean when a guy tells you he "loves you in a relationship way and doesn't want you talking to other guys" but yet he never calls me, I always call him. And when I complain to him that he doesn't call me enough and show that he cares... he says, "I dont call anyone, you call me whenever you want to talk." ??? What the hell man. I'm frustrated.
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