Most of us go on a date in order to get to know someone attractive. Your goals may differ--you may not agree on the type or duration of the relationship--but dating is about attempting to connect on some level. Behaving badly stops bonding in its tracks.
Shoddy dating conduct is not just the province of women. However, in this post, I’m going to focus on them. There is a huge amount of frustration in the dating scene, and small changes in behavior can help to avoid bad feelings. If you’ve ever wondered why he never called again, you could be guilty, without being aware of it. How can women avoid creating dating faux pas?
Be kind: Men go to a lot of trouble when they’re dating. They generally pursue women, risking rejection at the outset. They plan and pay for the date. At minimum, they have the right to expect that women reciprocate by being appreciative, attentive, polite, and kind. The responses to my “Who pays for a date?” post indicate that this is not always the case.
Put your cell phone away: Dave told me of a second (and last) date with a woman who had several cell phone conversations with her college age daughter during dinner at a San Francisco restaurant. Rich’s first and only date with Cyndi was over when she interrupted the conversation to text-message friends during drinks.
It is not your job to give men instructions in dating etiquette: Gary took Paula to a Giants game. He thought it would be romantic if he brought a picnic to the game. They ate together, made out, and he took her home. He felt that the date had gone very well. She didn’t return his call the next day. Several days later, he received an email critique from Paula. She told him that she and her friends had analyzed what happened on their date. She listed everything that he had “done wrong,” and gave him pointers for future dates. Needless to say, Gary didn't contact her again. He felt that he had dodged a bullet.
If you don’t want to see him again, reject him honestly, unambiguously and kindly. Do not give him a laundry list of what didn’t work for you.
If he opens doors, helps you with your coat, or demonstrates old-fashioned gentlemanly courtesy, smile and thank him. He is signaling that he wants to treat you in a romantic way. If he doesn’t do these things, it could be because another woman has chastised him. Don’t go there!
Even the funniest “dumb man” joke can fall flat on a date. Women who talk about how incompetent men are, how women don’t need them, or how all men are jerks or insensitive are…well, insensitive. Let’s face it, why would anyone go out with someone who looks down on him?
After the first couple of dates, you should offer to pay for drinks, dessert, or a meal. This sends the message that you are willing to be a potential partner. Never pick up the receipt, when he pays for a date, in order to write it off on your taxes.
If you treat each date as if he is your potential best friend, not only will you have more fun, you’ll increase the odds of chemistry sneaking up on both of you. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll both leave with your dignity and respect intact.
Contact me with your dating questions and suggestions annie@getalovelife.net
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
Comments
THE DATING PROCESS ALL WINDS UP THE SAME. TO GET TO EACH OTHER'S NOOKIES. DON'T KNOW WHERE ANYBODY GETS THIS IDEA DATING LEADS TO SOME FORM OF SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP OR ENCOUNTER. EVERYONE IS POSTURING TO LOOK GOOD, ALMOST DECENT. NOBODY REALLY IS, UNLESS YOU'RE DEEPLY RELIGIOUS. OR SOMETHING.
Right on Annie! How about the woman who asks a guy how much money he makes on the first date? I had a male client who said a woman reached over to his plate during a date and actually cut up his food for him. This was the FIRST DATE!!!
www.LovingUniversity.com
Some brilliant work here, Annie!
Absolutely every point is dead-on target, and picking up the receipt for a tax deduction was a surprise belly laugh! Once again, it's not that big a stretch to apply each concept to a gender switch, and the best "check-in" of all: "how would I feel if they did this to me?"
Brava!
Annie, you need to be fair and talk about men behaving badly on dates. You also need to stop excusing men for promiscuity. It's pretty obvious that you believe in patriarchy.
"Let’s face it, why would anyone go out with someone who looks down on him?"
Annie, most men look down on women. They expect women to be the subservient "responders" in the relationship.
Annie, you need to tell men to focus on the woman during the first date. You need to tell them to be interested in our careers, our hobbies, our dreams, and so on. Nothing is more boring than a man who talks about himself all the time on a date.
Annie, you are a woman behaving badly. You are telling women to act like subservient little girls. Most chivalrous acts are very demeaning to women. Pulling out a chair for a woman is hardly romantic and BTW, I have helped boyfriends with their coats and they have graciously thanked me.
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