Dear Annie, I’m becoming reluctant to date because I hate hurting women’s feelings. Often, they want to get serious fairly quickly. I’ll often fast-forward to see where the relationship is going and pull the plug. I’m reluctant to keep creating pain for other people. I want love, but can’t bear to hurt another woman. Jeffrey
Jeffrey, Unfortunately, dating creates the possibility of pain. There are only two possible outcomes: either you’re right for each other or you both feel that you’re not a match.
If you're going to date, it's vital that you expect that each of your dating relationships will end by someone being rejected—until or when you get involved with the one with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life.
If you want to minimize pain, it’s important that she knows that you are taking it slowly. Avoid leading her on. Telling her how special she is, confiding your secrets and seducing her will often raise her expectations. Tell her that you want to be friends first.
Many women believe that people can be friends before becoming a couple, whereas most men think that being friends means that they will never become romantic. If you stay in the driver’s seat, you could move the friendship to a romance as you get to know each other better. If you decide you’re not romantically interested in her, then not moving ahead with an intimate relationship won’t be so painful for either of you.
It’s OK if you don’t know what the future holds when you start dating. Even psychics cannot foresee their own destiny. If she asks where it’s going, tell her you honestly don't know.
Dating is fraught with hidden agendas, diverse expectations and miscommunications. To date well, try to avoid them as much as possible. Then, you’ll be dating in an honorable manner. If you add exuberance and passion, hopefully you will be able to attract that woman who you’ll want to stay with.
Coming Up:
I'll be giving free Three Minute Love Life Makeovers at San Francisco's Golden Gate Yacht Club Dance Party for Singles, starting at 8PM on Friday, September 17th. Hosted by ProGuildSocial.com. You'll enjoy inspiring views of San Francisco Bay, DJ dancing, no host bar, party snacks, fun mixer games in a romantic setting with a friendly group of people. Click here to buy tickets
I'll be speaking about handling the challenges of midlife dating while you meet new people at a Midlife Singles Mixer at the Hilton in Newark on Tuesday, October 5, from 7:00 - 9:00 PM. Co-sponsored by Society of Single Professionals. Enjoy a fun mixer game, and nibble on complimentary appetizers (until they run out) while socializing with potential new friends or...who knows?
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For more info: San Francisco based midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles who are frustrated with the dating scene and supports them as they transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program. Check out dating classes, events and midlife dating information at www.getalovelife.net or email annie@getalovelife.net
All of Annie Gleason's San Francisco Dating Examiner articles © 2010 by Annie Gleason -- reposts permitted with copyright notice and link to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
It sounds so reasonable on paper when someone says, "Be good friends before you date." However, all of my long-term dating relationships started out as dating relationships. That doesn't mean that we had romantic dinners and went to bed on the first date. We would just meet for lunch or dinner at a restaurant. However, there was always a little spark and it grew.
I am open to being "just good friends" for awhile before the relationship turns romantic. However, it has never happened in my life. I do remember that several years ago, I met a guy at a friend's Easter dinner. We had a nice conversation but didn't make plans to get together again and I didn't feel any spark. However, I saw that same guy one year later at the same friend's Easter dinner and the spark started igniting. We made plans to get together and started dating.
Annie, why didn't you tell Jeffrey that men usually approach dating like a football game and get into a "huddle" mode? You had no problem telling that to women.
Why didn't you also tell Jeffrey that the football approach leaves women in a lurch? Why did you say to Jeffrey, "If you want to minimize pain . . ."? Of course, he wants to minimize pain and abuse. All men (and women) should want to minize pain and abuse.
Men don't just hurt women when they fast-forward to see what will happen. Men hurt women when they make male chauvinistic remarks and don't apologize, when they use sexist language, when they interrupt us in a conversation, when they treat us like sex objects, when they overemphasize our looks and trivialize our professional accomplishments, when they don't respect us as equal leaders in the relationship.
I'm glad that the women had the courage to tell Jeffrey that they were hurt. If these women had taken your advice and had said nothing, Jeffrey would have never written to you and asked a question that all men need to ask.
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