How long should you wait to make contact after a date? My client, Eleanor, was raving about her first date with Ken. They’d found each other online, through JDate. After a few scintillating phone conversations, they met at Momos in San Francisco for dinner and impassioned conversation. After they parted, they exchanged text messages, thanking each other for the fabulous evening. Eleanor was sure that she’d hear from him the next day.
Four days went by before he called. Her first words to him were “Why did you disappear?” I imagine that he was taken aback. Many men would run from a woman who asked that question, especially early in the dating process. Ken doesn’t owe Eleanor an explanation of where he’s been, or what he’s been doing, until they are in an established relationship, and they have agreed to become accountable to each other.
There is no hard and fast rule about how long a man should wait until calling after a date. I encouraged Eleanor to maintain an open, positive attitude. Next time, try saying “Hi! It’s great to hear from you! How have you been?” It sounds welcoming, and leaves the conversation open. Whereas, “Why haven’t you called?” sounds accusatory. The timing and meaning of the follow-up call after a first date is fraught with mystery and anxiety. I decided to do some research.
I started by surveying members of my Dating Dynamics group. This group of men and women meets weekly in order to get a better handle on the dating process. I asked each one how they manage follow-through after first dates. Then I consulted another group of men and women to get a bigger sample. Everyone agreed that waiting more than 5-7 days to make contact indicates disinterest. Men also concurred that they appreciate it when a woman makes contact after the date, in order to thank him. Otherwise, I couldn’t find any common wisdom addressing the post-date calling question.
Most men called within a few days. There are those who call a woman whom they’re interested in as soon as they get a chance. Some adhere to a two-day rule, on the grounds that a woman will become much more interested in them if they wait at least that long before calling. Some men believe that they will appear needy if they call too soon.
Women’s expectations were no more in sync than men’s. Some told me that if a man calls the next day, it feels as if it’s too soon. Others become anxious if a man doesn’t call right away. A few didn’t mind if he waited for five or six days.
The best way for women to handle the post-date call is not to make any assumptions for a week. Feel free to call him and briefly thank him for your date, then wait to discover what his style is.
I will be talking about Decoding Dating Signals on KGO TV channel 7 View From The Bay this Tuesday at 3PM. Email me annie@getalovelife.net if you would like tickets to see the show live. Check out my Dating Blunders segment from December on KGO TV View From the Bay.
Don't forget to sign up for BATS Improv for Singles Workshop Series on Saturday afternoons in February. If you hesitate to speak to new people, this class will help you to listen, respond, think on your feet, and take risks. These are invaluable skills to have in the dating world. You’ll learn some tricks to help you navigate the unpredictable dating scene, while meeting new people and having fun!
Contact me with your dating questions and suggestions annie@getalovelife.net
Midlife dating coach, Annie Gleason, teams up with singles frustrated with the dating scene and helps them to transform their love lives with her exclusive five-step program.
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