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This is the last of a series about author Lori Gottlieb’s theory that women should settle for "Mr. Almost-Right" instead of holding out for "the one.” Annie, I am really interested to see how you tackle the "trading up" question. What if I settle, then Mr. Right comes along? Vickie
Vickie, When someone seems perfect, it’s often because you are projecting your expectations and fantasies on them. After you get to know them, their inevitable flaws become evident. Research indicates that Mr. or Ms. Perfect does not exist, except in the form of a religious deity such as Jesus.
When you trade one man for another, you will always be exchanging one set of faults, values and positive points for new ones. You’ll add the excitement of novelty into the mix, which will likely mask incompatibilities for months. What first might seem like an upgrade can turn into a disaster.
Only you can decide which flaws with which you can live. It might help if you rate a partner’s potential imperfections into two categories: Your “Can put up with” list might include “don’t enjoy the same music,” “he doesn’t dress well,” or “he’s too short.” Your “No way” list should include fatal defects such as “addictive behavior,” “it’s always about him,” or “inability to commit to me.”
If you are fundamentally compatible, and choose to build a lasting relationship, your ability to compromise with each other will be key to weathering life’s inevitable challenges. Whether you are able to keep your relationship healthy, nurturing,and trusting, rather than toxic and boring is what will determine its long-term viability. The man who was Mr. Perfect when you’re 20 may not be so wonderful when you’re 40 or 60. However, if you’re able to communicate well, you can ramp up a dull discussion or predictable sex life by introducing new ideas into the mix.
Only you can choose whether to dump Mr. NotQuiteRight in favor of Mr. Right. Just beware of creating a life-long habit of replacing the old with the new, and never being satisfied.
Meet new friends at San Francisco's Chinese New Year Treasure Hunt at Justin Herman Plaza on Saturday 2/27 at 4PM.
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